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Can i just say...


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"Let it go... the hardest part is over"

"Let it go... the hardest part is over"

I love that song! Moving forward.... It's time to move forward and to let it go.

*sigh of relief* Exhail-----

Okay... so how come I'm not relieved yet?

Blessings in disguise... I think....

Blessings in disguise... I think....

So turns out Chip is going to be sent out to Iraq... I'm sure that Heavenly father knew I couldn't get too attached... or I would fall apart. So now it hurts and I'm sad but... some how I'll move on. So a blessing in disguise I suppose....

I don't know what I'm going to do now. He's someone I can visualize myself marring. What if I never find someone as wonderful a him?

I"ve been getting a lot of inspiration lately though. The Lord knows what we need. We are told that we can't have Faith if we fear....

So I guess if it's ment to happen... it will.

Pushing Daisies

I'm pushing away daisies.... (no not the series....) I'm tired of plucking flowers petals... wishing and hoping... However, I am in love with that show!

I'm pushing away the whole concept "Does he like me? Does he not?" Ugggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The whole system is stupid. Yet I know deep down in my heart I will continue to follow this stupid system. Continue to do this flip flop way of thinking... and getting frustrated..... Ug!

The world is fabulous and so why am I so annoyed and frustrated. I"ll tell you why. Boys are lame. And what is worst I end up doing things to boys that boys do to me. I lead guys on that I don't like.... I try to make boys jealous.... I flirt with boys I don't like at all.... I use boys if I need something (whether it be a ride or w/e).... Sometimes I have a hidden agenda.... I'M HORRIBLE!


"This Guy"
Here I am sulking that "this guy" doesn't like me. Still!!!! I should be over it. Yet, I'm not. This is pathetic!

Chip
I've started to think about Chip. He loves me... but something seems off. Is it because he takes too good care of me? That's ridiculous. Sometimes it feels more like he wants too take care of me too much "like a father daughter relationship" I know that's gross and wrong. Is that why? Or am I' making this up? Is it all in my head? I'm I just sabotaging it???

BUT I CAN'T GET IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM... BECAUSE HE WANTS TO MARRY ME. IF I BREAK IT OFF HE'LL BE CRUSHED!

Smoe
I might hang out with him tomorrow.... I'm afraid if I do I'll end up making out with him. ...I know it won't make me feel better about myself but for some strange reason... my warped reasoning says that it will.

New Boy (I'll have to think of a new name)
A boy that my brother told me that I should meet ran into me today. I'm fairly certain he and his friend set it up (not my brother). His friend started texting when he starting talking to us... and he has a girlfriend (just found out). So I'm fairly certain he was texting him that if he was in the area he should come outside.

We talked outside for like thirty min.... and when he left I felt bad so I went out of my way to talk to him (in he convo at one point... his friend brought up "what are you doing tonight..." It was not at all smooth... ha ha.... so i talked to my friend who was a girl who was there..... And ha ha... lol). Then he went out of his way to follow me while I talked to him.

Anyway I could tell he was interested... however I'm not. I still gave him my number.... Do you see what I mean. I'M HOLDING A DOUBLE STANDARD..... I DON'T WANT A BOY TO LEAD ME ON... BUT I DO IT!


Relatives
I think one of my cousins likes me more than just a cousin way.... This is slightly frustrating and scary.... I don't know what to do about it!


The problem with blogging!
Also... can any one hear me? Groan. The problem with blogging is that although you might be able to get something off your chest.... it doesn't mean people are going to read it. So then I have this dilemma that my life is too boring to read.... slightly depressing when it means so much to me. Groan* I don't talk about personal stuff becaues I don't want people to know....

I also have the tendency to focus on the stupid crap because that is the only things that might be able to even possibly change..... Anyway... a pathetic call for help..... lol That's stupid....

Passing up making out (twice)...while I'm PMSing (small victory you must agree)

So there is a boy... who I cuddled with and he is suggesting that he wants to date me. I told him that he couldn't kiss me unless he was interested. He started giving me like pecks on the head a little bit ago. Anyway in a moment of weakness (that time of month... honestly if you think that's too much detail... then stop reading. I'm just being honest)

Anyway I was cramping and just wanted to be held... so I cuddled with him and allowed him to get really close. We didn't kiss or anything but he got really really close.... He really thinks he is all that and makes several comments about he's good at what he does. *rolls eyes* Stupid boys. I've decided I can't date him... and I've been thinking he really needs a reality check. He thinks he is so irresistible. Ha ha. He's cute but his cocky personality is too much. And that is saying alot because... I like the cocky guys....

This other boy... who I kissed over the summer. I texted him last night. I was trying to figue out this boys last name that I like (and the boy I texted worked with his sister) [Hopefully that made sense].



Anyway this boy we'll call him Smoe (that I kissed over the summer) was implying that we should hang out.... And he hinted at wanted something more. I really want to make out with someone. Ugg... So he is a theater major and so he has a mustache... I think that was the only thing holding me back. So I didn't go watch a movie like we were going to.

I really really hate mustaches... and I'm really picky when it comes to facial hair. I think the worst thing is I'm considering making out with him... once he shaves. I know... I'm horrible.

Just to get it out of my system... and a small revenge to "this guy" who doesn't like me. Who I still really really like. I'm so pathetic. And why the heck is makign out with someone getting revenge. It isn't... my mind it warped.

And the girl that "this guy" likes. She is of course adorable... really pretty and nice. I ran into the other day. *groan* she says...

after we had been talking for a little bit.....

Her: regular
thought process: italics
Me:bold


I'm so glad we really got to meet... I've been wanting to tell you...

my heart races and I just want her to say... something about "this guy" that... he really likes me..... And then I think she is going to say back away from him. or I'm sorry if you got your heart broken.... (anyway so my mind is spinning)

I've been meaning to tell you I love your style

oh Great... my style. Hmm... what does that mean. She must not know that I dated "this guy"

Oh thanks...

Yeah... we were talking about it the other day
(I saw her and "this guy" at the fireside and they left together...)

What? they were talking about me? Why?????? And who is we? She left the fireside with "this guy" so probably him.... Oh great... he probably said I was a stalker.... No.. or else she wouldn't be talking to me.... Would she?

(she had been rambling on and I hadn't listened...) ... you aren't like the typical cookie cutter Mormon girl.

what the heck does that mean?

Huh? (probably giving her a blank stare)

Yeah you just don't dress like the normal Mormon girl (or something like that... I don't remember the rest of the convo cause I had stopped listening.... I tried but I was too confused as to why they would have been talking about me and my style)

(i think I laughed and then she changed the subject... I was a little too distraught with the whole fact that I was trying to be nice and not jump at her throat and say.... "have you been dating him the whole time? Did you dump him? Was I his rebound and he never even liked me?")


..................
But what the heck? Why would they be talking about me? And what does she mean but what she said about how I dress...... And it's apparent that she doesn't know that I like him. Right? I think so... Ug!

*Sigh* I'm just reading into this too much. They left and I had been close by them pushing in chairs and all that. And they probably said....

someone: I'm surprised that she does that in her dress and all
someone: Yeah I wonder why...
someone: (must have said) I liked her outfit (probably the girl being nice and friendly *gag*)


And that was probably it. So why am I so frustrated? ...Don't ask me....

Confession

I hate the fact that I am expressing myself... finally the words are spilling out on the pages and still it's like no one hears me.....

SHOOT

I read only a few blogs. Mostly because I have only taken the time to flip through and so I've only found a few.

One woman writes http://singlemormonchick.blogspot.com/. She talked about in her previous relationship with this boy when she was younger... that he loved her and she didn't love him....

Quote from her blog: " i dont think i was in love with him and my 19 year old heart couldnt bear the thought of that. now? i married a man i loved and looked what happened. arranged marriage doesnt sound like such a crazy idea to me at this point."

Oh my... THIS IS MY SITUATION WITH CHIP. He even tells me to look up songs to... and will send me the links.... I think they all have meanings. What I'm I doing?