"Let it go... the hardest part is over"

"Let it go... the hardest part is over"

I love that song! Moving forward.... It's time to move forward and to let it go.

*sigh of relief* Exhail-----

Okay... so how come I'm not relieved yet?

Blessings in disguise... I think....

Blessings in disguise... I think....

So turns out Chip is going to be sent out to Iraq... I'm sure that Heavenly father knew I couldn't get too attached... or I would fall apart. So now it hurts and I'm sad but... some how I'll move on. So a blessing in disguise I suppose....

I don't know what I'm going to do now. He's someone I can visualize myself marring. What if I never find someone as wonderful a him?

I"ve been getting a lot of inspiration lately though. The Lord knows what we need. We are told that we can't have Faith if we fear....

So I guess if it's ment to happen... it will.

Pushing Daisies

I'm pushing away daisies.... (no not the series....) I'm tired of plucking flowers petals... wishing and hoping... However, I am in love with that show!

I'm pushing away the whole concept "Does he like me? Does he not?" Ugggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The whole system is stupid. Yet I know deep down in my heart I will continue to follow this stupid system. Continue to do this flip flop way of thinking... and getting frustrated..... Ug!

The world is fabulous and so why am I so annoyed and frustrated. I"ll tell you why. Boys are lame. And what is worst I end up doing things to boys that boys do to me. I lead guys on that I don't like.... I try to make boys jealous.... I flirt with boys I don't like at all.... I use boys if I need something (whether it be a ride or w/e).... Sometimes I have a hidden agenda.... I'M HORRIBLE!


"This Guy"
Here I am sulking that "this guy" doesn't like me. Still!!!! I should be over it. Yet, I'm not. This is pathetic!

Chip
I've started to think about Chip. He loves me... but something seems off. Is it because he takes too good care of me? That's ridiculous. Sometimes it feels more like he wants too take care of me too much "like a father daughter relationship" I know that's gross and wrong. Is that why? Or am I' making this up? Is it all in my head? I'm I just sabotaging it???

BUT I CAN'T GET IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM... BECAUSE HE WANTS TO MARRY ME. IF I BREAK IT OFF HE'LL BE CRUSHED!

Smoe
I might hang out with him tomorrow.... I'm afraid if I do I'll end up making out with him. ...I know it won't make me feel better about myself but for some strange reason... my warped reasoning says that it will.

New Boy (I'll have to think of a new name)
A boy that my brother told me that I should meet ran into me today. I'm fairly certain he and his friend set it up (not my brother). His friend started texting when he starting talking to us... and he has a girlfriend (just found out). So I'm fairly certain he was texting him that if he was in the area he should come outside.

We talked outside for like thirty min.... and when he left I felt bad so I went out of my way to talk to him (in he convo at one point... his friend brought up "what are you doing tonight..." It was not at all smooth... ha ha.... so i talked to my friend who was a girl who was there..... And ha ha... lol). Then he went out of his way to follow me while I talked to him.

Anyway I could tell he was interested... however I'm not. I still gave him my number.... Do you see what I mean. I'M HOLDING A DOUBLE STANDARD..... I DON'T WANT A BOY TO LEAD ME ON... BUT I DO IT!


Relatives
I think one of my cousins likes me more than just a cousin way.... This is slightly frustrating and scary.... I don't know what to do about it!


The problem with blogging!
Also... can any one hear me? Groan. The problem with blogging is that although you might be able to get something off your chest.... it doesn't mean people are going to read it. So then I have this dilemma that my life is too boring to read.... slightly depressing when it means so much to me. Groan* I don't talk about personal stuff becaues I don't want people to know....

I also have the tendency to focus on the stupid crap because that is the only things that might be able to even possibly change..... Anyway... a pathetic call for help..... lol That's stupid....

Passing up making out (twice)...while I'm PMSing (small victory you must agree)

So there is a boy... who I cuddled with and he is suggesting that he wants to date me. I told him that he couldn't kiss me unless he was interested. He started giving me like pecks on the head a little bit ago. Anyway in a moment of weakness (that time of month... honestly if you think that's too much detail... then stop reading. I'm just being honest)

Anyway I was cramping and just wanted to be held... so I cuddled with him and allowed him to get really close. We didn't kiss or anything but he got really really close.... He really thinks he is all that and makes several comments about he's good at what he does. *rolls eyes* Stupid boys. I've decided I can't date him... and I've been thinking he really needs a reality check. He thinks he is so irresistible. Ha ha. He's cute but his cocky personality is too much. And that is saying alot because... I like the cocky guys....

This other boy... who I kissed over the summer. I texted him last night. I was trying to figue out this boys last name that I like (and the boy I texted worked with his sister) [Hopefully that made sense].



Anyway this boy we'll call him Smoe (that I kissed over the summer) was implying that we should hang out.... And he hinted at wanted something more. I really want to make out with someone. Ugg... So he is a theater major and so he has a mustache... I think that was the only thing holding me back. So I didn't go watch a movie like we were going to.

I really really hate mustaches... and I'm really picky when it comes to facial hair. I think the worst thing is I'm considering making out with him... once he shaves. I know... I'm horrible.

Just to get it out of my system... and a small revenge to "this guy" who doesn't like me. Who I still really really like. I'm so pathetic. And why the heck is makign out with someone getting revenge. It isn't... my mind it warped.

And the girl that "this guy" likes. She is of course adorable... really pretty and nice. I ran into the other day. *groan* she says...

after we had been talking for a little bit.....

Her: regular
thought process: italics
Me:bold


I'm so glad we really got to meet... I've been wanting to tell you...

my heart races and I just want her to say... something about "this guy" that... he really likes me..... And then I think she is going to say back away from him. or I'm sorry if you got your heart broken.... (anyway so my mind is spinning)

I've been meaning to tell you I love your style

oh Great... my style. Hmm... what does that mean. She must not know that I dated "this guy"

Oh thanks...

Yeah... we were talking about it the other day
(I saw her and "this guy" at the fireside and they left together...)

What? they were talking about me? Why?????? And who is we? She left the fireside with "this guy" so probably him.... Oh great... he probably said I was a stalker.... No.. or else she wouldn't be talking to me.... Would she?

(she had been rambling on and I hadn't listened...) ... you aren't like the typical cookie cutter Mormon girl.

what the heck does that mean?

Huh? (probably giving her a blank stare)

Yeah you just don't dress like the normal Mormon girl (or something like that... I don't remember the rest of the convo cause I had stopped listening.... I tried but I was too confused as to why they would have been talking about me and my style)

(i think I laughed and then she changed the subject... I was a little too distraught with the whole fact that I was trying to be nice and not jump at her throat and say.... "have you been dating him the whole time? Did you dump him? Was I his rebound and he never even liked me?")


..................
But what the heck? Why would they be talking about me? And what does she mean but what she said about how I dress...... And it's apparent that she doesn't know that I like him. Right? I think so... Ug!

*Sigh* I'm just reading into this too much. They left and I had been close by them pushing in chairs and all that. And they probably said....

someone: I'm surprised that she does that in her dress and all
someone: Yeah I wonder why...
someone: (must have said) I liked her outfit (probably the girl being nice and friendly *gag*)


And that was probably it. So why am I so frustrated? ...Don't ask me....

Confession

I hate the fact that I am expressing myself... finally the words are spilling out on the pages and still it's like no one hears me.....

SHOOT

I read only a few blogs. Mostly because I have only taken the time to flip through and so I've only found a few.

One woman writes http://singlemormonchick.blogspot.com/. She talked about in her previous relationship with this boy when she was younger... that he loved her and she didn't love him....

Quote from her blog: " i dont think i was in love with him and my 19 year old heart couldnt bear the thought of that. now? i married a man i loved and looked what happened. arranged marriage doesnt sound like such a crazy idea to me at this point."

Oh my... THIS IS MY SITUATION WITH CHIP. He even tells me to look up songs to... and will send me the links.... I think they all have meanings. What I'm I doing?

Double Zero.... Double Crap... Double Suck...

Double Zero...
Why do boys only like double zeros... This girl that "This Boy" likes... she is tiny. Not only is she tiny but she is short. Ah yes... cute and dainty.

Do you know what this means? There is absolutely noooooooooo hope. I guess I'm screwed. ...awesome.

Of course she is cute. I'm certian this was .... "the girl" that he was talking about. This is "the girl" that ranks higher on his scale than I do.... When it came down to statistics... I didn't rank high enough.

So after the fireside tonight I start moving chairs... putting them away. Like I always do...and she stats to help and he appears at of nowhere. His eyes get all twinkly while he is talking to her... this must be the girl.

This is the first time I've seen him ever at a fire side. So know he goes.... Now he goes to church events. Does he not find me religous enough? He didn't like me enough to go to the firesides and get another chance to see me.

He is trying to impress her... seeing as she just got back from her mission. He is doing all the right things....

Am I not good enough to do all the right things for? Am I not cute enough? Not attractive enough? How come he didn't want to impress me?

Was he lying about that he liked me and found me attractive. IF I really was as fun... (and bla bla bla) why would he stop dating me? WHY not date us at the same time?

He made a consious decision that the other girl was better than I was. He said it was because he had known her longer. But was this actually the case.... And how much did the scale between liking her and me differ?

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY... WHY DO I STILL CARE....

On Second Thought

For the record... it still don't like curly noodels. When I tried eating them.... yuck.....

Curly Noodles

I'm sitting here eating curly noodles (top ramen). How fabulous is that! It's taken me two years... but now I can eat it again. Hooray!

LIFE IS FABULOUS!

Life is fabulous!!!
Life really is fabulous.... I complain a lot of the time. This is because life is hard, school is tough... and well boys are lame. Really though I just wanted to make sure individuals realized I really do love life.

I'm an active member in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know that the Lord loves me and recognizes that I have potential even if at times I don't see it. I know there is purpose to life... that I have purpose!

And yes... I am aware that there is more than boys to life... but let's face it I'm boy crazy. And I need to vent and to complain because my friends hear enough of it as it is.... lol

I want... to be WANTED

Why do the individuals you are interested in not like you... yet the ones you aren't interested in... like you?

The ungettable get. That is what it is..... *sigh*

Also... is it Sesame street having a reunion... or something? It is special to this cartoon series for any special reason for the last few weeks? I must know. The last things on google have all been directed towards it... Just wondering.

.....

You know that feeling where you just want to have someone hold you....

To just be able to lay in someone's arms and have them hold you close.

To nestle in that place right by someones chest and have them rest their head on yours and smell your hair.....

To flirt and gently tease...

When someone brushes your hair aside and gazes into your eyes...

To have someone giggle "boy giggle (or girl giggle I suppose depending on the person)* when you kiss them... or when you kiss their cheeck (and have them say "giggled like a school girl")

To have someone squeese your sides and pull you in closer...

To have someone come up behind you and wrap their arms around you...

To have someone reach down and grab your hand...

To gaze into someones eye... and have them smirk slightly and then lean in and kiss you...

I WANT THAT! I want... to be wanted. It's as simple as that.... The problem you ask? I don't want to be loved... not just yet.... I'm not ready. I'm not ready to give up my heart to someone. Yet, I want to be wanted.... Like I said just not too much.

But this boy who loves me... why don't I love him back? Is it the distance? Is it that I'm just not ready? Will I ever love him.... or should I just let him go? I really really care for him.... More than I have for any other guy..... But I don't know what love is. What is love anyway? Crap! Don't ask me!!!! WHO'S TO EVEN KNOW... WHICH PERSON IS THE RIGHT ONE? I know I know... but I've decided even if Chip is the guy I'm suppose to marry... I'm not ready for the answer.

So for now... I just want a boy to like me. To hang out with me... to cuddle with and... kiss... who likes me.....

Text recieved: "I had a dream last night that we made out. Way mature, subconscious mind."

So far during this semester I've had two different boys... at two different times say that they have had a dream about making out with me....

What does this mean? Do they tell me because they ar interested in me... or think it's so wierd they want to see how I react.... I'm confused

me:Bold
him: Regular

So today this boy sent me a text.

I had a dream last night that we made out. Way mature, subconscious mind.
A well you know our dreams are a way to your deepest darkest thoughts ;) lol
So what does that say about me?
Lol. I don't know... I dont' know your deepeswt darkest thoughts or secrets.
Apparently I jut want to kiss you though. My subconscious says so.
No you probably just want ation ;) lol however I don't know why it was about me
Zabes! Are you suggesting that I'm just a horny little action-seeker? What if i have a little thing for you?
ha ha. Well in my experience mot boys are...
Sad day Zabes. Way to categorize me.
ha ha. Lol. I'm not. I was stating the majority ratio's opion ;)
(I sent the next one right after)
I wasn't saying which category you were in... Merely stateing a fact
(then he was taking too long and I got impatient)
Cat got your tongue huh? Lol. Anyway i've got to study but you have fun... Dreaming and stuff lol
Haha sorry I was talking with a freind. So you think all guys are just after action yes?



I haven't texted him back... and currenly I'm suppose to be studying.... I just can't focus. *groan* I have Senioritis and I still have a long way to go.....

Any way why do boys say things like this...? Do they want to ask me out? Or just make out? Or are they just bored and want to know my reaction?

Attractiveness.... Bla Bla Bla... that's all I hear

There are many levels of attractiveness....

When it comes to women there are several words to describe them:

Breathtaking
Stunning
Georgeous
Beautiful
Pretty
Sexy
Hot
Cute

But who is to say which is which? Which definition goes first? What is most important? Recently the Mormon Bachelor Pad created a formula to acutllay show there level of "attractiveness" that an individula has.
http://www.mormonbachelorpad.blogspot.com/

Some girls are actually asking them to rate them. Who wants to have to deal with the after math of finding out they are a 6 or a 7... or even if they are a 8... everyone will still be unsatisfied. These boys are simple every day guys.... So it would be interesting to see how the normal boy rated you.... I myself am almost tempted to see what they would rate me....

I'm so tired of lame excuse:
Your intimidating
Your too good for me
I'm attracted to you... but bla bla bla....

That is all I hear now... bla bla bla..................... They don't like me.... Okay then why are we having this conversation? Oh right. cause I like them and they don't like me.

I think it just all stupid. Everthing is just all crap and games. I think that boys just use me.

They want to see if they can kiss me... and once they do. And then they are done. However... they think I'm really great.... but something is always wrong......

A Spritz of perfume... just WASN'T enough.... "Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."

"It's not you, it's me...." "You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."
"Alright, George, it's you."
"You're darn (edited) right it's me."
"Look, I was just trying to...."
"I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."
"Well I'm sure you do it very well."
"Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out."

- George and Gwen, breaking up, in "The Lip Reader"
....

He says (summary): I LIKE YOU... I JUST CAN'T DATE YOU (WHAT THE HECK?!) Stupid boys!!!!!

So "this Boy" that I have been talking about. The one I really like... and all of that.... Well I finally made my last attempt and now... life sucks! Actually not, but it still sucks! It hurts that he doesn't like me but considering everything, life isn't so bad.

So here is the story...

So today I decided to text "This Boy". Stupid plan. So I decide I want to talk to him... so I want to see if he actually likes me. Right? I want to see why he hasn't done anything? If he thinks... well anyway so I text him.

Me: Yay! Finally got to walmart! Ha ha. Lol. Thought i'd just share my joy!
Boy:Hah glad to hear you made it to wally world finally :)
Me:I know. Now i have food! Hooray:)

Then I decide I just can't handle it. Why can't people just say if they like someone. Why can't they just take the risk? So I decide to take the scariest plunge of it all.... I text him to go for a walk thinking I'll bring it up.

Me:Hey homework is driving me a crazy. I'm planning on going for a walk to take a break around ten or so. You interested?
Boy: Ya studying is killing me too! a wall sounds good for my sanity. I'll be there a little after 10 is that cool?

At this point I figured he wasn't going to text me so I was giving up. So I read it and I freaked out because I was like... CRAP I need to quick get ready. So I quickly fixed myself so I was a little bit better. You know spritz of perfume and such....

Me:Yeah just wait i bit i just back back from the elc i want to eat something real fast. (yes I'm aware I made a few mistakes...)
Boy: Okay cool i'll be tere in a bit


So he arrives and walks up to my door to get me. So we head for a walk and I act all cool. I decide I'm not going to even mention it. I'm just going to simply just be awesome and friendly... and act like we are just two friends going for a walk. Right? I must say I have pretty good acting skills just sometimes my emotions get the better of me... i get really weepy the week before my period. (yup... I just said it... my menstrual cycle)

He says he wants to walk main instead of campus. Is that okay?
Is that okay? What does he not want a girl to see us together? Stupid boy!
Sure that's okay.....
So we go for a walk... talking like good ol' pals.... Laughing, teasing. He does a couple of touchy things. He's flirty with me but I can tell he is trying not to flirt too much. (When you can tell someone is really thinking about what they are doing. Maybe not... I just got the sense he was) I'm the one who is keeping up the conversation... He seems to not be able to think of anything to talk about.
Is that a sign? Does he want to talk to me about something? Does he like me...? Could it be possible?
We keep talking and walking. We go to a ball park... and I climb up the fence to get on top of the dug-out. then I decided that the fence is blocking the view so we climb on top of the other one. While we are heading to the second dug-out
He says, "Always an adventure with you."
I say what and he says it again. (He says it with this smile... like he missed being around me and he wishes he could date....)
Then date me you stupid idiot!
So then we get on top of the dug-out and we play around. I was talking earlier about giant piano (like in the movie "Big"). So we pretended to play the piano on the roof racks for awhile. Then we sat by each other... (well I sat down and then moved over to him) and then I layed down and then he layed down. So then I tried to point at Cassiopeia because that's what we use to do. Then he started getting closer... so i kind of got a little bit closer. Then I sat up because I was starting to freak out... cause I really really wanted to kiss him. And I was soooooooooo confused! So then I sit up and then he sits up so i kind of turn so our faces aren't right next to each other. So that... I don't just grab him and kiss him. Uggggggg! Anyway so then he leans in and starts to kind of smell me hair... so then I kind of lean in... And then he pulls away...

This isn't verbatim:

Him: I'm so attracted to you..... turns away.
So then kiss me! ....Do you like me?
So then he rambles on about how me likes me and think "I'm really pretty. Really really pretty." (or maybe he says attracted) But this girl who he really liked just got off of her mission
Seriously! This boy was waiting for a missionary!
So he rambles on.....
I then say don't worry about it. I knew he didn't like me.... I've been trying to be hard to just be friends. So then I say at some point that "Yeah it sucks cause I like you, but I want to be friends..."
Me: Seriously you don't have to sugar coat things... I'm tough... *grin*
Then he rambles on. That it isn't that he doesn't like me... Then he asks "Haven't you ever missed a chance to date someone.... and then..." Basically saying how he wants to see if anything could happen with this other girl.
Me: Well everyone has their own ice cream flavor..... (something like this... yes oober lame but I was trying not to show feelings or get upset... yes cry... is the word I was looking for)
So then he says. It isn't that. I really like you and I feel like I'm missing out on something by not dating you..
THEN WHY THE HECK DON'T YOU WANT TO DATE ME? SORRY BUT I'M CONFUSED.
So he rambles on a little bit about how it is just he wants to see and he really likes me. And sorry but this probably isn't helping the situation by telling me this.
I say... it's okay really he doesn't have to sugar coat things and that it's okay. There's a difference between liking someone... and really liking someone....
he says that's not it...
What ever if he liked me he would date me!!!!


At some point I say something like... really it's okay I'm not looking for anything serious I just want someone to have fun with and cuddle with and just have fun.
He says that he wishes we could... and that we could cuddle.

At another point I get emotional. Stupid me being a girl. I get annoyed that I'm crying so I kind of turn and apologize. And then he gets all close and apologizes. And kind of touches my leg. And I get up and stand cause i really just FREAKING LIKE HIM! And I'm getting upset because i knew deep down he didn't like me and I'm mad he's lying to me. So he asks me to sit... so I do.

So then he asks if I'm upset. And I tell him I'm not. That it's okay... that communication is good. That it's okay and everyone has there own ice cream flavor... and I wish him luck. bla blaaaaa....

then I apologize for being a boob (cry baby). And he says it's not a bad thing to be a boob.... and then laugh cause he isn't meaning what i mean. so then I tease that ... "well I don't have much" and then I tell him it's because we are such good friends we can tease about things like that.... And then he says but we probably shouldn't and I agree.

At one point before this I mentioned that it sucked because I liked him but I've been trying to be his friend.. and that it's okay to be a friends. That I'm okay....
Yup I've just been rejected and he's lying that he likes me. Because he doesn't like me or ELSE HE WOULD DATE ME. Stupid sugar coating, it pisses me off.

I can't remember what we brought up... (i said something like I wish people would just tell the truth like I don't like you... or you suck)but it was something where I mentioned that I wished people didn't sugar coat things but sometimes it's better to just sugar coat things... so you don't hurt the persons feelings. And he said that... that doesn't make it right. And I said but it's done...... And we kind of bantered back and forth. (I was trying to be playful but he was acting all serious. Makes me wonder if he really was lying or not..... I don't know)

Anyway! Stupid boy. Now we are "friends" oh joy. I mentioned that it's okay to be friends cause I'm use to it. He said something about how I shouldn't but I say that's the way it is. Anyway then he tells me how great he thinks I am and how fun and how pretty I am. Stupid boys! Like I've mentioned if he liked me... he would date me!

So then when we finally got back to my apartment he gives me a lingering hug. What is up with that? So then he says, "You sure you're ok?" And I say sure I am... (p.s. just for a note I said something about us being 'buds' and 'pals' a couple of times.) So then he gives me another lingering kind of hug and I really just want to kiss him. But I pull away and say well good luck with you and "name" "uh... name?" and then he corrects me.

Stupid boys! Some how I feel liberated though! The question is... why doesn't he like me? I"m not good enough. And why can't people just say I don't like YOU????? why not!!!!!!!!!!!



Me: Hey thanks again have a good night! :)
Boy:It was really good to look at stars and hang out with you again. thanks for helping me find casiopia ;)

Stupid boy what the heck does that mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY GIVE ME LINGERING HUGS IF HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. WHY TELL ME HE LIKES ME IF HE DOESN'T? WHY LIE! Stupid boys.

However I really I feeling quite good. I'm at the point of no return. I heard a good analogy from a song... about falling and finally reaching the ground and that it's good.

Well I hit the ground and I feel pretty good. I still feel like I'm not good enough but w/e I'll get over that..... At least I'm not heart broken. I'm okay with the situation. It just sucks being the friend.

I'm just too crazy and that's okay..... Sometimes it just sucks not being the one who is liked. Okay... so it always sucks but I'm use to it.

COUNTIING MY EGGS

Victory!

ha I have successfully added a new prospect to the dating pool. Hooray for the cute boy working at the mail.... Let's call him Ace.

If you were wondering how I determinded (I thought... mail... King of Queens... King... cards... Ace, hearts... which is where I came to the conclusion for his name. *grin* I know. This is unnecessary to write out my thought process....)

Any way I met Ace last Friday. At one point he said hello to me and I didn't recognize who he was... because I was talking on the phone. Anyway I saw him today not my smoothest move of all time. I went to the mail system hoping he would be there. I didn't see him at first so I started asking this girl some random questions then I noticed him in the back. Thankful I didn't decide to ask when he worked. (because I was tempted to do just that) Anyway I saw him in the back and then we kind of yelled back to one another for awhile. Then he told me that I didn't say hello to him... and next time I needed to remember him. ha ha. Lol. So my progression is going successful. I just need a way to exchange numbers. Hopefully I won't have to wait until the next Thursday when he works....

So yes... I count all my eggs... and hooray another has been added to the basket.

Dwight and Jim's mints and of course BOY DRAMA

School
I've been having the hardest time concentrating on school recently. I however went to one of the classes that I hate... (because I don't find the teacher credible) and was reminded how much I like Psychology. The problem is I wouldn't be able to listen to individuals saying horrible things concerning their lives... and I don't want to be a teacher.

Today we were lectured on Classical Conditioning. It's amazing the things that I remember that I'm interested in. Once she started talking I started thinking how horrible I am going to be when I get a boyfriend. I am going to use him as a guine pig for tons of stuff.... lol. Classical Conditioning... if you have ever scene "The Office" (I have only scene a few of the episodes) there is one where Jim (I believe that's his name) trains Dwight to salivatate... for a computer sound. It is actually quite brilliant. While I watched it I was trying to remember the exact definition. So ahhaha! Now I know.

I'm starting to consider changing my major. It's a frustrating process. How is one to really know what they should do for the rest of their lives.

Boys (of course I must talk about boys... remember I'm boy crazy)

Will: attractive african american boy

Will is a cute african american boy who I find very attractive (Yes I associated his new identity with Will Smith.... he he. How delicious). We flirt in texting but he seems to only want to text me. So I have decided I must be his "booty text". You know when you are bored and have nothing else to do... so you decide to text that person you think likes you....

I was suppose to hang out with this boy last night but we didn't. He ended up saying he had to write a paper.... So I'm not certain if he was just blowing me off or what. I think he isn't interested in me... because this is like the third time. However... I think I've blown him off as well. It is wierd though because of the whole texting stuff.

For Halloween I acutally told him he should be Will Smith from MIB (Men In Black) (If you didn't know the abbreviation you are docked points... teasing.) Anyway he suggested that it was just because of Will Smith that I liked the movie which is not the case. However I do admit to thinking Will is simply.... yummy. Anyway I ended up saying because he said it must be because he was attractive. And I told him that if he was asking then... yes... he was attractive. Anyway.

Why does he suggest hanging out if we won't? So from now on... I don't think I'm going to allude to us hanging out. I'm over it. Too bad...

Boys are lame.

Chip: who wants to marry me
Chip is still madly in love with me. I told him two nights ago that last night I would be hanging out with a boy and I could tell he was upset. It's not fair! We aren't together I shoudn't be feeling guilty for hanging out or dating other boys or guys.

Roger: my cuddle buddy
Roger is a friend who... we dated but then we moved into the same appartment complex so we stopped dating. Then he moved and now we are in the same area. He tried to kiss me last year but then he got a girlfriend. So now we are supposed "friends." Friends who are affectionate and sometimes cuddle. So a Non commitment cuddle.... Cuddle Buddies.

So at one point during cuddling he tried to kiss me neck... which I stopped. So then everything went back to normal. I keep trying to figure out if I like him or not. I don't think I do... but the sad thing is.... It annoys me that he doesn't like me.


I HAVE A WIERD FIXATION THAT EVERY BOY MUST LIKE ME.....
(it never works....)


This Boy: who doesn't like me anymore (or who never did *sigh*)
I don't get him. Why would a boy take me to Walmart? Just to be nice? Supposedly boys aren't just nice to girls they have a hidden agenda. What is his? Is he just tryign to figure me out?

I sent him that text awhile ago to say I liked him. Does he just want to string me along. He WANTS ME TO LIKE HIM. I don't get it.... Maybe thats it.


I need new prospects.... I thought about using possitive reinforcement or classical conditioning to get more dates. The question is how? I can't reward a boy with a kiss until we start dating..... So what things could a do? Touch..... hmmm....

THE MAN MANUAL... I ordered mine years ago? Where is it?

I've determined... yes this sounds harsh... but the XY CHROMOSOME MUST BE MISSING A GENE. Yes... I believe the "Y" should have been an "X" but some how it fell off.... Got lost in all of the testosterone.... *grin*

No actually I just don't get it... it's like men and woman are completely different species. We think differently and act differently. I think men should come with a manual. It would be great to say... "Okay, just hold on while I check my index here..." Ha ha... "The Man Manual"

Wouldn't that be grand? *grin* I wonder what it would read....

Index:
What they really mean.... please just shut up so I can..... (fill in the blank)
What they really are thinking..... sex (I'm finding the majority of guys really think this almost all of the time... how depressing)
Why they do what they do.... "If it itches... I scratch it.... it's as easy as that" (I reaad that once.... lame.)
-This boy totally reached into his pants today.... at the library.... Quite disturbing. Why not go to a private place? I don't understand boys.

Supposedly
If he's into you; he'll make it happen
-Although several guys give the excuse of being "intimidated". Therefore this statement
is not true.
A guy tells you what he is thinking... they only have a one way track brain
-What if he is lying? How can you tell?
Every guy says "I'M DIFFERENT"
-Every guy thinks they're different when they have feelings... because guys don't talk about
their feelings.
-Another point.... supposedly guys "girl gossip" is this true?
Guys don't have "girls" who are friends
-Apparently most guys want something from a girl. This could be from cuddling,
NCMO's, to just wanting to hang out, to actually befriending them... so that they can get a
better chance to actually date the girl. Groan. Therefore most logic is stupid.


If there was a "Man Manual" what would it say? What should be the first rule?

Maybe it would be easier like some of my friends suggest and just like girls... too bad I like boys. ....lol. Besides I don't with the judgement they have to deal with on anyone.... I love love. And in my opinion people shouldn't judge other people on their types of love.

I believe: There are certain tests in life that we all are given to test ourselves, and some test are given to others to see how individuals treat them.

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN... (fill in the blank)

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN

• you are over something... and it turns out your n0t?
• you don't know what you want
• you like someone who doesn't know you exist
• you like someone who doesn't like you
• school sucks
• you get a D on an assignment (the first in my life. Ahhhh!)
• you don't have time for anything... so you end up wasting because your so stressed
• you are sick.... Your voice is scratchy so you can't sing... and you feel like crap
• you think you look pretty good till you notice a whole bunch of people around you who look amazing
• someone is short with you and you didn't even do anything
• you let a boy or girl determine your self worth
• your hair is stupid
• it's about that time of month (or it is)
• you don't have any chocolate
• YOUR JUST IN A LAME/CRAPPY MOOD AND YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY... (but you figure it's because that certain boy doesn't like you, the other boy your interested in doesn't know you exist and the boy who likes you... likes you too much....)

Chips and Dip... and I'm the Dip....

This week the boy who wants to marry me came and visited.... Ug! I'm so confused! I'm not ready to get marrihied. Why does life have to be so confusing. He is so sweet and good to me. Let... I don't know what I want or how I feel. I haven't even kissed the guy yet. How did eveything become so confusing?

I've known Chip for a year now. A little bit over.... He joined the military a little bit after he met me. We met through a friend. She came down to meet her boy toy (her now husband) and brought him along. He was actually suppose to meet another girl and go on a date with her but when he met me he told her he didn't want to meet her friend.

It all started when She called to ask me if she could spend the night in my college dorm appartment. When she came to drop off her stuff that night, he was with her. We ended up going to the dance and then we went back to her apartment.... So I cuddled with him and then wef hung out the next day. It's interesting. I was worried... but then I decided it would be nothing. So I didn''t worry about it. But then Chip wanted to come and visit me all the time... during the weekends... and all sorts of stuff. then he went to his military camp stuff. He's been gone since Febuary... for about six months. And now he's back.

He got bakc just before the start of school.... It all seems so unreal. We had been talking phone calls and such. I could tell.... Well before he left he asked me if there was any possibility that we could get married. Get marreid.... ???? We hadn't even dated seriously. How can.....

I'm sooooooooooooo confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What should I do??????????????????? Uggggg!! Don't ask me. I don't even have the slightest idea.

He's someone who i would want to marry.... But is he the one? That's the question. And the truth is... no matter what the asnwer is... I'm not ready for the answer.

He is so amazing though.

• He is faithful as a Latter Day Saint
• I know he would never cheat on me
• He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world
• He rubs my feet and shoulders when I dont' even ask him....
• He wants to touch me at all times.... If we aren't touching in some way... he moves in closer
• You know in Twilight how people say no one would just watch her sleep.... he does that....
• He honestly thinks I'm the most beautiful person in the world.....

..... But do I love him? Or do I love what he does? Do I love his attention or him?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT IS LOVE ANYWAY.....