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Can i just say...


kadjlfka dlfjaklefji aefkladjfl akdjfl ajdklfja

"Let it go... the hardest part is over"

"Let it go... the hardest part is over"

I love that song! Moving forward.... It's time to move forward and to let it go.

*sigh of relief* Exhail-----

Okay... so how come I'm not relieved yet?

Blessings in disguise... I think....

Blessings in disguise... I think....

So turns out Chip is going to be sent out to Iraq... I'm sure that Heavenly father knew I couldn't get too attached... or I would fall apart. So now it hurts and I'm sad but... some how I'll move on. So a blessing in disguise I suppose....

I don't know what I'm going to do now. He's someone I can visualize myself marring. What if I never find someone as wonderful a him?

I"ve been getting a lot of inspiration lately though. The Lord knows what we need. We are told that we can't have Faith if we fear....

So I guess if it's ment to happen... it will.

Pushing Daisies

I'm pushing away daisies.... (no not the series....) I'm tired of plucking flowers petals... wishing and hoping... However, I am in love with that show!

I'm pushing away the whole concept "Does he like me? Does he not?" Ugggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The whole system is stupid. Yet I know deep down in my heart I will continue to follow this stupid system. Continue to do this flip flop way of thinking... and getting frustrated..... Ug!

The world is fabulous and so why am I so annoyed and frustrated. I"ll tell you why. Boys are lame. And what is worst I end up doing things to boys that boys do to me. I lead guys on that I don't like.... I try to make boys jealous.... I flirt with boys I don't like at all.... I use boys if I need something (whether it be a ride or w/e).... Sometimes I have a hidden agenda.... I'M HORRIBLE!


"This Guy"
Here I am sulking that "this guy" doesn't like me. Still!!!! I should be over it. Yet, I'm not. This is pathetic!

Chip
I've started to think about Chip. He loves me... but something seems off. Is it because he takes too good care of me? That's ridiculous. Sometimes it feels more like he wants too take care of me too much "like a father daughter relationship" I know that's gross and wrong. Is that why? Or am I' making this up? Is it all in my head? I'm I just sabotaging it???

BUT I CAN'T GET IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM... BECAUSE HE WANTS TO MARRY ME. IF I BREAK IT OFF HE'LL BE CRUSHED!

Smoe
I might hang out with him tomorrow.... I'm afraid if I do I'll end up making out with him. ...I know it won't make me feel better about myself but for some strange reason... my warped reasoning says that it will.

New Boy (I'll have to think of a new name)
A boy that my brother told me that I should meet ran into me today. I'm fairly certain he and his friend set it up (not my brother). His friend started texting when he starting talking to us... and he has a girlfriend (just found out). So I'm fairly certain he was texting him that if he was in the area he should come outside.

We talked outside for like thirty min.... and when he left I felt bad so I went out of my way to talk to him (in he convo at one point... his friend brought up "what are you doing tonight..." It was not at all smooth... ha ha.... so i talked to my friend who was a girl who was there..... And ha ha... lol). Then he went out of his way to follow me while I talked to him.

Anyway I could tell he was interested... however I'm not. I still gave him my number.... Do you see what I mean. I'M HOLDING A DOUBLE STANDARD..... I DON'T WANT A BOY TO LEAD ME ON... BUT I DO IT!


Relatives
I think one of my cousins likes me more than just a cousin way.... This is slightly frustrating and scary.... I don't know what to do about it!


The problem with blogging!
Also... can any one hear me? Groan. The problem with blogging is that although you might be able to get something off your chest.... it doesn't mean people are going to read it. So then I have this dilemma that my life is too boring to read.... slightly depressing when it means so much to me. Groan* I don't talk about personal stuff becaues I don't want people to know....

I also have the tendency to focus on the stupid crap because that is the only things that might be able to even possibly change..... Anyway... a pathetic call for help..... lol That's stupid....

Passing up making out (twice)...while I'm PMSing (small victory you must agree)

So there is a boy... who I cuddled with and he is suggesting that he wants to date me. I told him that he couldn't kiss me unless he was interested. He started giving me like pecks on the head a little bit ago. Anyway in a moment of weakness (that time of month... honestly if you think that's too much detail... then stop reading. I'm just being honest)

Anyway I was cramping and just wanted to be held... so I cuddled with him and allowed him to get really close. We didn't kiss or anything but he got really really close.... He really thinks he is all that and makes several comments about he's good at what he does. *rolls eyes* Stupid boys. I've decided I can't date him... and I've been thinking he really needs a reality check. He thinks he is so irresistible. Ha ha. He's cute but his cocky personality is too much. And that is saying alot because... I like the cocky guys....

This other boy... who I kissed over the summer. I texted him last night. I was trying to figue out this boys last name that I like (and the boy I texted worked with his sister) [Hopefully that made sense].



Anyway this boy we'll call him Smoe (that I kissed over the summer) was implying that we should hang out.... And he hinted at wanted something more. I really want to make out with someone. Ugg... So he is a theater major and so he has a mustache... I think that was the only thing holding me back. So I didn't go watch a movie like we were going to.

I really really hate mustaches... and I'm really picky when it comes to facial hair. I think the worst thing is I'm considering making out with him... once he shaves. I know... I'm horrible.

Just to get it out of my system... and a small revenge to "this guy" who doesn't like me. Who I still really really like. I'm so pathetic. And why the heck is makign out with someone getting revenge. It isn't... my mind it warped.

And the girl that "this guy" likes. She is of course adorable... really pretty and nice. I ran into the other day. *groan* she says...

after we had been talking for a little bit.....

Her: regular
thought process: italics
Me:bold


I'm so glad we really got to meet... I've been wanting to tell you...

my heart races and I just want her to say... something about "this guy" that... he really likes me..... And then I think she is going to say back away from him. or I'm sorry if you got your heart broken.... (anyway so my mind is spinning)

I've been meaning to tell you I love your style

oh Great... my style. Hmm... what does that mean. She must not know that I dated "this guy"

Oh thanks...

Yeah... we were talking about it the other day
(I saw her and "this guy" at the fireside and they left together...)

What? they were talking about me? Why?????? And who is we? She left the fireside with "this guy" so probably him.... Oh great... he probably said I was a stalker.... No.. or else she wouldn't be talking to me.... Would she?

(she had been rambling on and I hadn't listened...) ... you aren't like the typical cookie cutter Mormon girl.

what the heck does that mean?

Huh? (probably giving her a blank stare)

Yeah you just don't dress like the normal Mormon girl (or something like that... I don't remember the rest of the convo cause I had stopped listening.... I tried but I was too confused as to why they would have been talking about me and my style)

(i think I laughed and then she changed the subject... I was a little too distraught with the whole fact that I was trying to be nice and not jump at her throat and say.... "have you been dating him the whole time? Did you dump him? Was I his rebound and he never even liked me?")


..................
But what the heck? Why would they be talking about me? And what does she mean but what she said about how I dress...... And it's apparent that she doesn't know that I like him. Right? I think so... Ug!

*Sigh* I'm just reading into this too much. They left and I had been close by them pushing in chairs and all that. And they probably said....

someone: I'm surprised that she does that in her dress and all
someone: Yeah I wonder why...
someone: (must have said) I liked her outfit (probably the girl being nice and friendly *gag*)


And that was probably it. So why am I so frustrated? ...Don't ask me....

Confession

I hate the fact that I am expressing myself... finally the words are spilling out on the pages and still it's like no one hears me.....

SHOOT

I read only a few blogs. Mostly because I have only taken the time to flip through and so I've only found a few.

One woman writes http://singlemormonchick.blogspot.com/. She talked about in her previous relationship with this boy when she was younger... that he loved her and she didn't love him....

Quote from her blog: " i dont think i was in love with him and my 19 year old heart couldnt bear the thought of that. now? i married a man i loved and looked what happened. arranged marriage doesnt sound like such a crazy idea to me at this point."

Oh my... THIS IS MY SITUATION WITH CHIP. He even tells me to look up songs to... and will send me the links.... I think they all have meanings. What I'm I doing?

Double Zero.... Double Crap... Double Suck...

Double Zero...
Why do boys only like double zeros... This girl that "This Boy" likes... she is tiny. Not only is she tiny but she is short. Ah yes... cute and dainty.

Do you know what this means? There is absolutely noooooooooo hope. I guess I'm screwed. ...awesome.

Of course she is cute. I'm certian this was .... "the girl" that he was talking about. This is "the girl" that ranks higher on his scale than I do.... When it came down to statistics... I didn't rank high enough.

So after the fireside tonight I start moving chairs... putting them away. Like I always do...and she stats to help and he appears at of nowhere. His eyes get all twinkly while he is talking to her... this must be the girl.

This is the first time I've seen him ever at a fire side. So know he goes.... Now he goes to church events. Does he not find me religous enough? He didn't like me enough to go to the firesides and get another chance to see me.

He is trying to impress her... seeing as she just got back from her mission. He is doing all the right things....

Am I not good enough to do all the right things for? Am I not cute enough? Not attractive enough? How come he didn't want to impress me?

Was he lying about that he liked me and found me attractive. IF I really was as fun... (and bla bla bla) why would he stop dating me? WHY not date us at the same time?

He made a consious decision that the other girl was better than I was. He said it was because he had known her longer. But was this actually the case.... And how much did the scale between liking her and me differ?

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY... WHY DO I STILL CARE....

On Second Thought

For the record... it still don't like curly noodels. When I tried eating them.... yuck.....

Curly Noodles

I'm sitting here eating curly noodles (top ramen). How fabulous is that! It's taken me two years... but now I can eat it again. Hooray!

LIFE IS FABULOUS!

Life is fabulous!!!
Life really is fabulous.... I complain a lot of the time. This is because life is hard, school is tough... and well boys are lame. Really though I just wanted to make sure individuals realized I really do love life.

I'm an active member in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know that the Lord loves me and recognizes that I have potential even if at times I don't see it. I know there is purpose to life... that I have purpose!

And yes... I am aware that there is more than boys to life... but let's face it I'm boy crazy. And I need to vent and to complain because my friends hear enough of it as it is.... lol

I want... to be WANTED

Why do the individuals you are interested in not like you... yet the ones you aren't interested in... like you?

The ungettable get. That is what it is..... *sigh*

Also... is it Sesame street having a reunion... or something? It is special to this cartoon series for any special reason for the last few weeks? I must know. The last things on google have all been directed towards it... Just wondering.

.....

You know that feeling where you just want to have someone hold you....

To just be able to lay in someone's arms and have them hold you close.

To nestle in that place right by someones chest and have them rest their head on yours and smell your hair.....

To flirt and gently tease...

When someone brushes your hair aside and gazes into your eyes...

To have someone giggle "boy giggle (or girl giggle I suppose depending on the person)* when you kiss them... or when you kiss their cheeck (and have them say "giggled like a school girl")

To have someone squeese your sides and pull you in closer...

To have someone come up behind you and wrap their arms around you...

To have someone reach down and grab your hand...

To gaze into someones eye... and have them smirk slightly and then lean in and kiss you...

I WANT THAT! I want... to be wanted. It's as simple as that.... The problem you ask? I don't want to be loved... not just yet.... I'm not ready. I'm not ready to give up my heart to someone. Yet, I want to be wanted.... Like I said just not too much.

But this boy who loves me... why don't I love him back? Is it the distance? Is it that I'm just not ready? Will I ever love him.... or should I just let him go? I really really care for him.... More than I have for any other guy..... But I don't know what love is. What is love anyway? Crap! Don't ask me!!!! WHO'S TO EVEN KNOW... WHICH PERSON IS THE RIGHT ONE? I know I know... but I've decided even if Chip is the guy I'm suppose to marry... I'm not ready for the answer.

So for now... I just want a boy to like me. To hang out with me... to cuddle with and... kiss... who likes me.....

Text recieved: "I had a dream last night that we made out. Way mature, subconscious mind."

So far during this semester I've had two different boys... at two different times say that they have had a dream about making out with me....

What does this mean? Do they tell me because they ar interested in me... or think it's so wierd they want to see how I react.... I'm confused

me:Bold
him: Regular

So today this boy sent me a text.

I had a dream last night that we made out. Way mature, subconscious mind.
A well you know our dreams are a way to your deepest darkest thoughts ;) lol
So what does that say about me?
Lol. I don't know... I dont' know your deepeswt darkest thoughts or secrets.
Apparently I jut want to kiss you though. My subconscious says so.
No you probably just want ation ;) lol however I don't know why it was about me
Zabes! Are you suggesting that I'm just a horny little action-seeker? What if i have a little thing for you?
ha ha. Well in my experience mot boys are...
Sad day Zabes. Way to categorize me.
ha ha. Lol. I'm not. I was stating the majority ratio's opion ;)
(I sent the next one right after)
I wasn't saying which category you were in... Merely stateing a fact
(then he was taking too long and I got impatient)
Cat got your tongue huh? Lol. Anyway i've got to study but you have fun... Dreaming and stuff lol
Haha sorry I was talking with a freind. So you think all guys are just after action yes?



I haven't texted him back... and currenly I'm suppose to be studying.... I just can't focus. *groan* I have Senioritis and I still have a long way to go.....

Any way why do boys say things like this...? Do they want to ask me out? Or just make out? Or are they just bored and want to know my reaction?

Attractiveness.... Bla Bla Bla... that's all I hear

There are many levels of attractiveness....

When it comes to women there are several words to describe them:

Breathtaking
Stunning
Georgeous
Beautiful
Pretty
Sexy
Hot
Cute

But who is to say which is which? Which definition goes first? What is most important? Recently the Mormon Bachelor Pad created a formula to acutllay show there level of "attractiveness" that an individula has.
http://www.mormonbachelorpad.blogspot.com/

Some girls are actually asking them to rate them. Who wants to have to deal with the after math of finding out they are a 6 or a 7... or even if they are a 8... everyone will still be unsatisfied. These boys are simple every day guys.... So it would be interesting to see how the normal boy rated you.... I myself am almost tempted to see what they would rate me....

I'm so tired of lame excuse:
Your intimidating
Your too good for me
I'm attracted to you... but bla bla bla....

That is all I hear now... bla bla bla..................... They don't like me.... Okay then why are we having this conversation? Oh right. cause I like them and they don't like me.

I think it just all stupid. Everthing is just all crap and games. I think that boys just use me.

They want to see if they can kiss me... and once they do. And then they are done. However... they think I'm really great.... but something is always wrong......

A Spritz of perfume... just WASN'T enough.... "Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."

"It's not you, it's me...." "You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."
"Alright, George, it's you."
"You're darn (edited) right it's me."
"Look, I was just trying to...."
"I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."
"Well I'm sure you do it very well."
"Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out."

- George and Gwen, breaking up, in "The Lip Reader"
....

He says (summary): I LIKE YOU... I JUST CAN'T DATE YOU (WHAT THE HECK?!) Stupid boys!!!!!

So "this Boy" that I have been talking about. The one I really like... and all of that.... Well I finally made my last attempt and now... life sucks! Actually not, but it still sucks! It hurts that he doesn't like me but considering everything, life isn't so bad.

So here is the story...

So today I decided to text "This Boy". Stupid plan. So I decide I want to talk to him... so I want to see if he actually likes me. Right? I want to see why he hasn't done anything? If he thinks... well anyway so I text him.

Me: Yay! Finally got to walmart! Ha ha. Lol. Thought i'd just share my joy!
Boy:Hah glad to hear you made it to wally world finally :)
Me:I know. Now i have food! Hooray:)

Then I decide I just can't handle it. Why can't people just say if they like someone. Why can't they just take the risk? So I decide to take the scariest plunge of it all.... I text him to go for a walk thinking I'll bring it up.

Me:Hey homework is driving me a crazy. I'm planning on going for a walk to take a break around ten or so. You interested?
Boy: Ya studying is killing me too! a wall sounds good for my sanity. I'll be there a little after 10 is that cool?

At this point I figured he wasn't going to text me so I was giving up. So I read it and I freaked out because I was like... CRAP I need to quick get ready. So I quickly fixed myself so I was a little bit better. You know spritz of perfume and such....

Me:Yeah just wait i bit i just back back from the elc i want to eat something real fast. (yes I'm aware I made a few mistakes...)
Boy: Okay cool i'll be tere in a bit


So he arrives and walks up to my door to get me. So we head for a walk and I act all cool. I decide I'm not going to even mention it. I'm just going to simply just be awesome and friendly... and act like we are just two friends going for a walk. Right? I must say I have pretty good acting skills just sometimes my emotions get the better of me... i get really weepy the week before my period. (yup... I just said it... my menstrual cycle)

He says he wants to walk main instead of campus. Is that okay?
Is that okay? What does he not want a girl to see us together? Stupid boy!
Sure that's okay.....
So we go for a walk... talking like good ol' pals.... Laughing, teasing. He does a couple of touchy things. He's flirty with me but I can tell he is trying not to flirt too much. (When you can tell someone is really thinking about what they are doing. Maybe not... I just got the sense he was) I'm the one who is keeping up the conversation... He seems to not be able to think of anything to talk about.
Is that a sign? Does he want to talk to me about something? Does he like me...? Could it be possible?
We keep talking and walking. We go to a ball park... and I climb up the fence to get on top of the dug-out. then I decided that the fence is blocking the view so we climb on top of the other one. While we are heading to the second dug-out
He says, "Always an adventure with you."
I say what and he says it again. (He says it with this smile... like he missed being around me and he wishes he could date....)
Then date me you stupid idiot!
So then we get on top of the dug-out and we play around. I was talking earlier about giant piano (like in the movie "Big"). So we pretended to play the piano on the roof racks for awhile. Then we sat by each other... (well I sat down and then moved over to him) and then I layed down and then he layed down. So then I tried to point at Cassiopeia because that's what we use to do. Then he started getting closer... so i kind of got a little bit closer. Then I sat up because I was starting to freak out... cause I really really wanted to kiss him. And I was soooooooooo confused! So then I sit up and then he sits up so i kind of turn so our faces aren't right next to each other. So that... I don't just grab him and kiss him. Uggggggg! Anyway so then he leans in and starts to kind of smell me hair... so then I kind of lean in... And then he pulls away...

This isn't verbatim:

Him: I'm so attracted to you..... turns away.
So then kiss me! ....Do you like me?
So then he rambles on about how me likes me and think "I'm really pretty. Really really pretty." (or maybe he says attracted) But this girl who he really liked just got off of her mission
Seriously! This boy was waiting for a missionary!
So he rambles on.....
I then say don't worry about it. I knew he didn't like me.... I've been trying to be hard to just be friends. So then I say at some point that "Yeah it sucks cause I like you, but I want to be friends..."
Me: Seriously you don't have to sugar coat things... I'm tough... *grin*
Then he rambles on. That it isn't that he doesn't like me... Then he asks "Haven't you ever missed a chance to date someone.... and then..." Basically saying how he wants to see if anything could happen with this other girl.
Me: Well everyone has their own ice cream flavor..... (something like this... yes oober lame but I was trying not to show feelings or get upset... yes cry... is the word I was looking for)
So then he says. It isn't that. I really like you and I feel like I'm missing out on something by not dating you..
THEN WHY THE HECK DON'T YOU WANT TO DATE ME? SORRY BUT I'M CONFUSED.
So he rambles on a little bit about how it is just he wants to see and he really likes me. And sorry but this probably isn't helping the situation by telling me this.
I say... it's okay really he doesn't have to sugar coat things and that it's okay. There's a difference between liking someone... and really liking someone....
he says that's not it...
What ever if he liked me he would date me!!!!


At some point I say something like... really it's okay I'm not looking for anything serious I just want someone to have fun with and cuddle with and just have fun.
He says that he wishes we could... and that we could cuddle.

At another point I get emotional. Stupid me being a girl. I get annoyed that I'm crying so I kind of turn and apologize. And then he gets all close and apologizes. And kind of touches my leg. And I get up and stand cause i really just FREAKING LIKE HIM! And I'm getting upset because i knew deep down he didn't like me and I'm mad he's lying to me. So he asks me to sit... so I do.

So then he asks if I'm upset. And I tell him I'm not. That it's okay... that communication is good. That it's okay and everyone has there own ice cream flavor... and I wish him luck. bla blaaaaa....

then I apologize for being a boob (cry baby). And he says it's not a bad thing to be a boob.... and then laugh cause he isn't meaning what i mean. so then I tease that ... "well I don't have much" and then I tell him it's because we are such good friends we can tease about things like that.... And then he says but we probably shouldn't and I agree.

At one point before this I mentioned that it sucked because I liked him but I've been trying to be his friend.. and that it's okay to be a friends. That I'm okay....
Yup I've just been rejected and he's lying that he likes me. Because he doesn't like me or ELSE HE WOULD DATE ME. Stupid sugar coating, it pisses me off.

I can't remember what we brought up... (i said something like I wish people would just tell the truth like I don't like you... or you suck)but it was something where I mentioned that I wished people didn't sugar coat things but sometimes it's better to just sugar coat things... so you don't hurt the persons feelings. And he said that... that doesn't make it right. And I said but it's done...... And we kind of bantered back and forth. (I was trying to be playful but he was acting all serious. Makes me wonder if he really was lying or not..... I don't know)

Anyway! Stupid boy. Now we are "friends" oh joy. I mentioned that it's okay to be friends cause I'm use to it. He said something about how I shouldn't but I say that's the way it is. Anyway then he tells me how great he thinks I am and how fun and how pretty I am. Stupid boys! Like I've mentioned if he liked me... he would date me!

So then when we finally got back to my apartment he gives me a lingering hug. What is up with that? So then he says, "You sure you're ok?" And I say sure I am... (p.s. just for a note I said something about us being 'buds' and 'pals' a couple of times.) So then he gives me another lingering kind of hug and I really just want to kiss him. But I pull away and say well good luck with you and "name" "uh... name?" and then he corrects me.

Stupid boys! Some how I feel liberated though! The question is... why doesn't he like me? I"m not good enough. And why can't people just say I don't like YOU????? why not!!!!!!!!!!!



Me: Hey thanks again have a good night! :)
Boy:It was really good to look at stars and hang out with you again. thanks for helping me find casiopia ;)

Stupid boy what the heck does that mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY GIVE ME LINGERING HUGS IF HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. WHY TELL ME HE LIKES ME IF HE DOESN'T? WHY LIE! Stupid boys.

However I really I feeling quite good. I'm at the point of no return. I heard a good analogy from a song... about falling and finally reaching the ground and that it's good.

Well I hit the ground and I feel pretty good. I still feel like I'm not good enough but w/e I'll get over that..... At least I'm not heart broken. I'm okay with the situation. It just sucks being the friend.

I'm just too crazy and that's okay..... Sometimes it just sucks not being the one who is liked. Okay... so it always sucks but I'm use to it.

COUNTIING MY EGGS

Victory!

ha I have successfully added a new prospect to the dating pool. Hooray for the cute boy working at the mail.... Let's call him Ace.

If you were wondering how I determinded (I thought... mail... King of Queens... King... cards... Ace, hearts... which is where I came to the conclusion for his name. *grin* I know. This is unnecessary to write out my thought process....)

Any way I met Ace last Friday. At one point he said hello to me and I didn't recognize who he was... because I was talking on the phone. Anyway I saw him today not my smoothest move of all time. I went to the mail system hoping he would be there. I didn't see him at first so I started asking this girl some random questions then I noticed him in the back. Thankful I didn't decide to ask when he worked. (because I was tempted to do just that) Anyway I saw him in the back and then we kind of yelled back to one another for awhile. Then he told me that I didn't say hello to him... and next time I needed to remember him. ha ha. Lol. So my progression is going successful. I just need a way to exchange numbers. Hopefully I won't have to wait until the next Thursday when he works....

So yes... I count all my eggs... and hooray another has been added to the basket.

Dwight and Jim's mints and of course BOY DRAMA

School
I've been having the hardest time concentrating on school recently. I however went to one of the classes that I hate... (because I don't find the teacher credible) and was reminded how much I like Psychology. The problem is I wouldn't be able to listen to individuals saying horrible things concerning their lives... and I don't want to be a teacher.

Today we were lectured on Classical Conditioning. It's amazing the things that I remember that I'm interested in. Once she started talking I started thinking how horrible I am going to be when I get a boyfriend. I am going to use him as a guine pig for tons of stuff.... lol. Classical Conditioning... if you have ever scene "The Office" (I have only scene a few of the episodes) there is one where Jim (I believe that's his name) trains Dwight to salivatate... for a computer sound. It is actually quite brilliant. While I watched it I was trying to remember the exact definition. So ahhaha! Now I know.

I'm starting to consider changing my major. It's a frustrating process. How is one to really know what they should do for the rest of their lives.

Boys (of course I must talk about boys... remember I'm boy crazy)

Will: attractive african american boy

Will is a cute african american boy who I find very attractive (Yes I associated his new identity with Will Smith.... he he. How delicious). We flirt in texting but he seems to only want to text me. So I have decided I must be his "booty text". You know when you are bored and have nothing else to do... so you decide to text that person you think likes you....

I was suppose to hang out with this boy last night but we didn't. He ended up saying he had to write a paper.... So I'm not certain if he was just blowing me off or what. I think he isn't interested in me... because this is like the third time. However... I think I've blown him off as well. It is wierd though because of the whole texting stuff.

For Halloween I acutally told him he should be Will Smith from MIB (Men In Black) (If you didn't know the abbreviation you are docked points... teasing.) Anyway he suggested that it was just because of Will Smith that I liked the movie which is not the case. However I do admit to thinking Will is simply.... yummy. Anyway I ended up saying because he said it must be because he was attractive. And I told him that if he was asking then... yes... he was attractive. Anyway.

Why does he suggest hanging out if we won't? So from now on... I don't think I'm going to allude to us hanging out. I'm over it. Too bad...

Boys are lame.

Chip: who wants to marry me
Chip is still madly in love with me. I told him two nights ago that last night I would be hanging out with a boy and I could tell he was upset. It's not fair! We aren't together I shoudn't be feeling guilty for hanging out or dating other boys or guys.

Roger: my cuddle buddy
Roger is a friend who... we dated but then we moved into the same appartment complex so we stopped dating. Then he moved and now we are in the same area. He tried to kiss me last year but then he got a girlfriend. So now we are supposed "friends." Friends who are affectionate and sometimes cuddle. So a Non commitment cuddle.... Cuddle Buddies.

So at one point during cuddling he tried to kiss me neck... which I stopped. So then everything went back to normal. I keep trying to figure out if I like him or not. I don't think I do... but the sad thing is.... It annoys me that he doesn't like me.


I HAVE A WIERD FIXATION THAT EVERY BOY MUST LIKE ME.....
(it never works....)


This Boy: who doesn't like me anymore (or who never did *sigh*)
I don't get him. Why would a boy take me to Walmart? Just to be nice? Supposedly boys aren't just nice to girls they have a hidden agenda. What is his? Is he just tryign to figure me out?

I sent him that text awhile ago to say I liked him. Does he just want to string me along. He WANTS ME TO LIKE HIM. I don't get it.... Maybe thats it.


I need new prospects.... I thought about using possitive reinforcement or classical conditioning to get more dates. The question is how? I can't reward a boy with a kiss until we start dating..... So what things could a do? Touch..... hmmm....

THE MAN MANUAL... I ordered mine years ago? Where is it?

I've determined... yes this sounds harsh... but the XY CHROMOSOME MUST BE MISSING A GENE. Yes... I believe the "Y" should have been an "X" but some how it fell off.... Got lost in all of the testosterone.... *grin*

No actually I just don't get it... it's like men and woman are completely different species. We think differently and act differently. I think men should come with a manual. It would be great to say... "Okay, just hold on while I check my index here..." Ha ha... "The Man Manual"

Wouldn't that be grand? *grin* I wonder what it would read....

Index:
What they really mean.... please just shut up so I can..... (fill in the blank)
What they really are thinking..... sex (I'm finding the majority of guys really think this almost all of the time... how depressing)
Why they do what they do.... "If it itches... I scratch it.... it's as easy as that" (I reaad that once.... lame.)
-This boy totally reached into his pants today.... at the library.... Quite disturbing. Why not go to a private place? I don't understand boys.

Supposedly
If he's into you; he'll make it happen
-Although several guys give the excuse of being "intimidated". Therefore this statement
is not true.
A guy tells you what he is thinking... they only have a one way track brain
-What if he is lying? How can you tell?
Every guy says "I'M DIFFERENT"
-Every guy thinks they're different when they have feelings... because guys don't talk about
their feelings.
-Another point.... supposedly guys "girl gossip" is this true?
Guys don't have "girls" who are friends
-Apparently most guys want something from a girl. This could be from cuddling,
NCMO's, to just wanting to hang out, to actually befriending them... so that they can get a
better chance to actually date the girl. Groan. Therefore most logic is stupid.


If there was a "Man Manual" what would it say? What should be the first rule?

Maybe it would be easier like some of my friends suggest and just like girls... too bad I like boys. ....lol. Besides I don't with the judgement they have to deal with on anyone.... I love love. And in my opinion people shouldn't judge other people on their types of love.

I believe: There are certain tests in life that we all are given to test ourselves, and some test are given to others to see how individuals treat them.

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN... (fill in the blank)

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN

• you are over something... and it turns out your n0t?
• you don't know what you want
• you like someone who doesn't know you exist
• you like someone who doesn't like you
• school sucks
• you get a D on an assignment (the first in my life. Ahhhh!)
• you don't have time for anything... so you end up wasting because your so stressed
• you are sick.... Your voice is scratchy so you can't sing... and you feel like crap
• you think you look pretty good till you notice a whole bunch of people around you who look amazing
• someone is short with you and you didn't even do anything
• you let a boy or girl determine your self worth
• your hair is stupid
• it's about that time of month (or it is)
• you don't have any chocolate
• YOUR JUST IN A LAME/CRAPPY MOOD AND YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY... (but you figure it's because that certain boy doesn't like you, the other boy your interested in doesn't know you exist and the boy who likes you... likes you too much....)

Chips and Dip... and I'm the Dip....

This week the boy who wants to marry me came and visited.... Ug! I'm so confused! I'm not ready to get marrihied. Why does life have to be so confusing. He is so sweet and good to me. Let... I don't know what I want or how I feel. I haven't even kissed the guy yet. How did eveything become so confusing?

I've known Chip for a year now. A little bit over.... He joined the military a little bit after he met me. We met through a friend. She came down to meet her boy toy (her now husband) and brought him along. He was actually suppose to meet another girl and go on a date with her but when he met me he told her he didn't want to meet her friend.

It all started when She called to ask me if she could spend the night in my college dorm appartment. When she came to drop off her stuff that night, he was with her. We ended up going to the dance and then we went back to her apartment.... So I cuddled with him and then wef hung out the next day. It's interesting. I was worried... but then I decided it would be nothing. So I didn''t worry about it. But then Chip wanted to come and visit me all the time... during the weekends... and all sorts of stuff. then he went to his military camp stuff. He's been gone since Febuary... for about six months. And now he's back.

He got bakc just before the start of school.... It all seems so unreal. We had been talking phone calls and such. I could tell.... Well before he left he asked me if there was any possibility that we could get married. Get marreid.... ???? We hadn't even dated seriously. How can.....

I'm sooooooooooooo confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What should I do??????????????????? Uggggg!! Don't ask me. I don't even have the slightest idea.

He's someone who i would want to marry.... But is he the one? That's the question. And the truth is... no matter what the asnwer is... I'm not ready for the answer.

He is so amazing though.

• He is faithful as a Latter Day Saint
• I know he would never cheat on me
• He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world
• He rubs my feet and shoulders when I dont' even ask him....
• He wants to touch me at all times.... If we aren't touching in some way... he moves in closer
• You know in Twilight how people say no one would just watch her sleep.... he does that....
• He honestly thinks I'm the most beautiful person in the world.....

..... But do I love him? Or do I love what he does? Do I love his attention or him?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT IS LOVE ANYWAY.....

Rotten Luck

So I think I might have the worst luck on the face of the planet. Lol. So this boy who I have been interested in since the start of school. We just barely had have first fun, flirty conversation. Then as we talk I learn he's leaving next semester. Rotten luck!

Can something be "slutarific"? uh....?

The number one texting rule....

• You have to wait until the other person texting you.... texts you back (on rare occasions you can double text, which is often frustrating. But you must wait or you will appear over eager.)

Benefits of texting....

• You can appear extra flirty in texting... with out comming on too strong
• You can tell/ask someone something with out having to see their reaction (however this can work to the negative side)

Problems of texting...

• Less personal
• Can't read nonverbals
• Might be a booty text call (aka: they don't have anyone else to text and your their last resort. Even if they might be your first... alas )

Today is like any ordinary day.....

• School sucks...

Also... can something be "slutarific"? My friend just used the statement refering to her friends costume.... Why is Halloween just becoming a time for people to have the excuse to be slutty??? If you are dressing a certain way... you can't deny it. You can't justify it. If you are dressing.... revealing... you are dressing revealing. IF you are wearing a miniskirt and have leggings... YOU ARE STILL WEARING A MINNI SKIRT!! There are no ifs ands or buts..... this is the way it is. So if you are going to do it... do it... don't try to justify it... and think you aren't being bad.... Or what ever you what to think of it as.

Last hope... DIED...

So you know how you always have that thought process in the back of your mind. You think it's okay.... Cause deep down you think well "If I would have done that... Things could have been different." Well... I used up my last hope so now I'm screwed. I know that he doesn't like me.

It really sucks I was holding out for one last option. I talked to his roommate. Who if they would have talked at all would have known if he liked me. I was complaining to him... a little bit and he didn't tell me anything taht would have said. Well you should go for it one more time, give it one last chance. Nope. Nothing. Nadda. You know why? Cause he just isn't that into me!

Sucks... but it's the truth. So now the next step... move on. Mostly I have. Really I'm just not okay with the fact that once again "I'm not good enough."

I keep hoping to run into these two boys... I must have the worst luck that way.... Still have yet to see them.

I refuse to get sick. All of these colds and stuff are going around and... eveyone is hacking up their lungs.... And people seem to have forgotten how to wash their hands. It's ridiculous. Washing your hands with soap really isn't that difficult. Sigh***

BOY CRAZY

Have I ever mentioned how boy crazy I am? Man it gets on my nerves... I can only imagine how much I annoy people by going on and on.

I have a few prospects that I'm actually starting to like. Hooray! And I think some of them like me so that's good.

Some of them still haven't made a move. By this I do not mean a physical move I just mean the initiative of saying, "Hey let's do something." Some still haven't even asked for my number. I'm getting more and more forward and just giving boys my numbers. This way it goes faster.... No not like that. I just like to hang out with boys. *grin*

Speaking of numbers. This boy I didn't know texted me the other day.... No clue who he was. Apparently his friend went on a date with me and he told his friend to text me. I had absolutely no idea who he was.

Then I realized he was this boy I went on a date with who rated me on my date. Talk about lame. I caught him and made a sarcastic comment and he tried to cover it up. Basically the whole rest of the date was really stupid. The worst thing was I even let him cuddle with me for a little bit. How stupid am I? The reason f0r this is I thought. Perhaps they were really talking about Bike cylinders. But I was right... at least I'm fairly certain. Especially because the friend was like oh... no... you got caught. Or something to that effect. Anyway. It was a stupid date. I would never go on another date with him.

So I sent a text after the boy was like "sorry I swear I'm not creepy..."

I sent one like, "Ha ha. No worries... and I remember him. He rated me on my date... super lame ha ha."

Anyway I didn't get a text back.... lol

Hopefully it will teach his friend not to rate girls. Now I'm sure your wondering what the number was..... Well guess what I'm not saying.

However, I'll tell you it was something.3. I remember being really annoyed that it was point three.... I wasn't even good enough for a half of a point? Honestly, I dont' unerstand boys

WONDERFUL SUNDAY... so why am I stressing?

Sunday was wonderful today! It's amazing how much the Lord loves each of us and cares for us. It was great. *grin* I love when it seems like the lesson was suppose to be just for you. I've also really started liking teaching. It's a great learning experience and it really going to help me for public speaking.

It's was such a a wonderful day!

So why am I still stressing over stupid stuff like boys? Hmm... good question? The answer? I really have no idea. Why am I letting a boy determine my self worth? It's an interesting concept. The answer... I have no idea. Why do I think about text him or other boys... every other min? The answer... again I have no idea.

I've found out one of the reasons why I haven't had any energy and why I've been really crabby. Apperently, if you don't eat it effects you... in a negative light. Interesting huh? lol. Well it's not like I haven't been eating anything. I eat some stuff I just miss out on breakfast and lunch usually.... I eat dinner and something really late. I haven't been eating any protien though. I just found out that not eating protein causes a loss of energy and your body takes longer to heal.... No wonder why I've been scaring so much. *sigh* So my new goal is to start eating.

I'll admit sometimes I don't eat so that my stomach can be more flat... but it's not like I'm starving myself.... Most of the time I just forget to eat... or I just don't have time. Anyway. I realize I'm being stupid and I just need to exercise. Lame. I guess everyone was right all along. However sometimes I see all those really really teeny girls and I think if I got a little smaller again... maybe boys would like me more.

See this is ridiculous. This is the start of an eating disorder. I just have to get over myself. If someone doesn't like me... I just need to... deal. Groan* I hate dealing....

It is ridiculous but I'm realizing more and more how much the media effects me. I want to appear sexy... I want to be hot. I want boys to want me.... These are all natural things and any girl who denys it.... Well... okay the majority of girls want to be wanted. We want to be liked but we also want to be attractive. It's just so hard now that media has this set image... teeny teeny waists... chesty... long legs, long thick hair, perfect skin.... More and more. The details of it goes on and on. I'm tired of trying to be this set image of beauty. Why am I not good enough? Don't ask me because I don't know.

I've just spent the last 20 min pretending to be asleep while my visiting teacher went on and on about how perfect this girl is he is dating. How she is the "one" and is going to break her heart. This boy... who I dated. Did he ever ask me to go on a second date? Nope? Why? Apparently I'm not good enough! Sucky sucky boys! Cause I'm not perfect like "Stephanie". The stupidest thing is... she is my Visiting Teacher. Ug... it makes me feel sooooooooooooooo stupid!


School is stressing me out like crazy. I honestly am worried for the first tme in my life... not about getting a B or a C.... I'M WORRIED ABOUT FAILING. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I swear I'm not stupid. But this class is literially kicking my but! I have no idea what I am going to do. I asked this boy to help me for class... so hopefully that will help out a lot. sigh* I just am always the one people ask for help with. Now I feel like the stupid one. It's like the whole fact about 12 credits. I've never knocked someone for only taking 12... but as soon as I took 12... I felt really stupid. Sigh* I'm not suggesting I'm smarter than people... I just. I just have high expectations for myself. Anyway... I've been feeling really stupid lately. And it's really frustrating.

Anyway... STUPID CRAP!!!

Resulting to texting? Lame! However new Eggs!

I went to class... I left at the end... of course conviently at the same moment that he left. Of course. However I chickened out... and didn't talk to him. At the stop of stairs just when I'm about to tell him... to spill all of my guts. Then at the top of the stairs there is this girl waiting for him.

Exchange
"____ cuddly bear" (or something like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

"I can't believe your here...." he says....
(They go to hug and I quickly depart)

*groan* Honestly who is this girl and why do I care. So I mummble and groan... and then I decided that i can't take it so I send this text..... Of course it takes forever until he answers, which I understand.



Text sent: I know this is the most wimpiest way on the face of the planet... I just suck at the whole feeling crap stuff. Look I'm sorry for acting crazy and being wierd. Just when I like a boy I push him away. Anyway I just wanted to say I apologize. If you ever want to do something I'd love to.

Text received: You haven't been acting crazy, I thought I was the one being distance. Sorry if I've made you feel that way. I would love to do something sometime.

.....
Hoestly why do boys lie? Why couldn't he just not answer if he's not interested? Why did he have to let me get my hopes up? Anyway I'm just glad I got to express some of my feelings. However i really wanted to text him and ask why he had been distant. ... Who knows. I guess I'm just not his type, which sucks but I'll get over it. He can be happy with his new girl....

And now that I have fianlly put myself out there, I feel so much better! Honestly I'm still hurt and feeling "not good enough" but I honestly feel better. I'm actually excited about my potentials. Hooray for new eggs! And hooray that I really, honestly and truely feel better. Now I don't have to keep stressing.

He made the choice to be distant.... whether it's from me acting out... plus other stuff. I've come to realize.... I just needed closure. (However that text wasn't very good for closure.) I finally realized... he doesn't like me and there is nothing I can do about it. So the only way to move is up.

And hooray that now I feel like moving on.... I'm so excited for the dance tomorrow. Can't wait to search for more eggs!

DON'T MIND ME... I'M ONLY OVER REACTING!

UGGGG! I HATE ACTING LIKE EVERTHING IS OKAY!!!! Why do boys suck?????? Hmm? I honestly want to know? Why can't I just tell him how I feel?

He has this girl who came down to visit him. Yes... she fits exactly what I described. Anyway.... stupid boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet he's going to become a true "mascot" person with her. I hate my life!

And I have this boy in my class who likes me... who sits by me. Who doesn't get that I don't like him........ *groan* I always attract... those I don't wish to.

BOYS SUCK! Oh? I had mentioned that before? Well sorry it's just a fact. Hence now and forever... BOYS WILL SUCK... AND WILL CONTINUE TO... SSSSSSSSUUUUCCCKKK!

Yes... I'm aware that I'm over reacting!

Mission Completed.. Another Underway

Ah... sigh of relief. *exhail* Few... I am so glad that I don't have to worry about that stupid test. The professor let us to use our computers. So that was good I was able to type it up pretty fast, but I was still the last one out of the room. *grin* I'm such a nerd.

I'm so stressed about one of my classes I got an assignment back and I think I got a B- or maybe even a C... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I'm freaking out major! I have so much to do and so little time. *groan* Plus I am trying to get more involved in school so in the process I'm not doing what I'm suppose to be doing.

Also I think I've decided that I need to talk to that boy... I can't seem to get over it. It's boiling inside of me festering like a wound. Why? I don't know... guess I really like him. I'm just afraid that when I tell him he'll walk away or something. Or laugh... or ..... He is a nice guy though I'm sure it won't be as bad as I think. I'm sure he won't proclaim to the whole world that I'm a stocker... at least I hope not. If so... I'll be definately screwed. Groan* But I must do it. I've become such a blunt person it is driving me crazy that he doesn't even talk to me. So I have a variety of choices that I can do.

1. Text him... but I won't do that. That would be stupid since we aren't really talking... he'll just ignore my text.
2. Call him. Ask him to go for a walk and if he won't then explain on the phone. The problem is then I won't be able to read his nonverbals... and what if he hangs up on me? Groan* Crazy stocker.... what if he ignores my call? I can't leave a message. "Hey it's me Zabes... um... alkdjfklajdflkadjflkajd" Yeah I don't think telling my emotions to a machine would do very well. (Yet, telling and venting my emotions on a computer works... so maybe.)
3. I can wait till class tomorrow... however he misses class quite a bit. What if he doesn't go? Ug!!!
4. I can hope that I run into him this evening... highly unlikely. Our paths only cross when we make them. And now I swear he really is trying to go out of his way so he doens't have to see me. But why? is he ignoring mebecause he thinks I'm a crazy stocker? Does he think he's making it easier on me? Sigh* I don't know....

(If any one is reading this.... What should I do? What should I say?)

So I'm stuck with calling him or waiting till I see him next. He's leaving soon so maybe I should just forget it. The problem with me is I don't just forget things.... It annoys me and bugs me until I do everything I can to fix it. But what if I can't? Or what if by trying to fix it I only make it worst? Ug.... I don't know what to do.

I just want to be friends... I don't want it to be akward. I've basically come to the conclusion that he doesn't like me. Or else he would have done something on his end... a long long time ago. So I just am doing this to get it off my chest. Is that stupid? Why do I want to cause myself more pain just to be reject.

It doesn't matter that I still really like him... I just have to more on because apparently he doesn't like me. So why do I care? Cause I'm a stupid girl! That's why!

Maybe I should just pretend I'm telling him and write it out... and then I won't ever have to say it....

-Hey I'm sorry I was so awkward last week... if your interested give me a call. (One suggestion... the problem is it's been so long and he's acting wierd so it needs a little more)

-Hey look I'm really sorry what happend awhile back. I guess I just get a little crazy when I like a guy and I told you there were a lot of things going on... anyway I apologize and I really dont' want things to be awkward and maybe I'm reading in to this wrong... but I feel like the plague ... and if you really want me to leave you alone then I will. I just wanted us to be friends at least. Anyway... I'm sorry... see you in class

-Grab him and kiss him! (ha ha... wouldn't do that. Although I might want to. I dont' think it would work in my favor. And it could only be done if we were alone...)

-Look I'm sure you think I'm a total spaz but I just really need to tell you something. That ok? So just don't say anything... and listen.

I'm sorry that I've probably confused the crap out of you. I just have a tendency to bottle all of my emotions and then explode. And I have really low selfsesteem when it comes to boys... so I just felt really hurt and used when you said you didn't want to be serious any more. I just felt like I had done something or that you had decided you didn't want to date me any more but where too chicken to tell it to my face.... So when you said let's date... I heard... I don't like you and I don't want to date you anymore.

So anyway I don't know really what you were thinking but... I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I'm sorry that's it's been awkward. But I've really been trying. I like you, but I understand you don't like me and it's okay.... I mean of course it sucks because it's just another factor that I'm not good enough.... That something is wrong with me. I just want us to at least be friends? I'm sorry if you thought that I was pushing you to hard I just realized that I was over reacting like usual. So tried to fix things with out talking to you. So I think you read that like I was coming off to strong. I just have a tendency to try to be 100%.... And So I was trying to be friends and so I'm sure it came off too strong.

I just don't want things to be awkward. I don't want you to think of me as the plague. ... and if you want me to leave you alone I will but I want you to know I'll always think of you as a friend... Anyway I'm really sorry. I'll see you in class....

Hmm... maybe I won't have to tell him now...

"Make me warm and fuzzy"

I don't know why but recently I've been feeling really liberated when I blog. I love blogging. I can spill all of my guts and... guess what? No one will know.

Unless someone read this.... However no one is really reading this.... so I guess I don't really have the problem right now. My boy drama... and my uneventful life. ...Might turn out to be some boring reading.

School

• I think I could possibly be in trouble for the first time in my life conserning a grade. I'M SOOOOOO STRESSED!!!!
• I have a test tommorrow, which means I should go to sleep.

Boys (My favorite subject... the love/hate relationship)

• Why do the boys you don't like, like you and the ones you actually like, don't like you??
• Why does this boy want to marry me? I'm crazy! I'm such a drama queen and.... Ug! Doesn't he realize he deserves more? Plus I'm not ready to get married!
• When boys text why do they take so long?
• If someone asks what the other person is doing.... Isn't that implying that they want to do something.... Apparently not. Guess it's just a curiousity factor. Who would have known.
• Boyfriends are annoying. I find myself getting annoyed at all my friends boyfriends. All cuddly and cute. It's not even that time of month but I'm starting to go crazy.
• I have a new prospect who I'm actually interested in. Hooray. However I'm sure I'll screw it up shortly.
• Can people really call dibs on a girl/guy? I don't think it works. Works for my advantage... and disadvantage.
• Why does eveyone like the ungettable get? I want it.... For some reason once a guy likes me... I ususally become disinterested. Or I keep testing them.... until they fail. (meaning I keep pushing them until I push them away. Hey at least I'm recognizing my problems... that's the first step. Right? RIGHT????)
• What's with boys and the stupid sole patch. That lame little mark under there chin. What's the point. Grow more or shave it off. The little triangle... I don't get it.
• V Necks... no no no... not if thy are really low
• Tight jeans. Hun, if your jeans are tighter then mine... I don't think so!

(mental note: You know how jeans always shrink in the wash... mine grew. And I know I haven't lost 2 pounds in the last two weeks. Maybe I just need to put them into the dryer for a long time. That should work)

• There is this boy who I swear hates me.... And I don't know why. I feel like I'm a pretty likable person so I try really hard to get him to have conversations with me. I try hard. I just don't know why he doesn't like me.... Hmmmm....
• Why do we but ourselves through distress by putting ourselves in situations where we know we will only be disapointed.
• Why don't boys ask girls on dates? Answer: They are lame!
• Why does it take for ever for a boy to get a girls number. Now I just give mine out... Works much better.

Sigh* I just want someone to cuddle with me. Yes, at the moment that sounds perfectly delightful.

Make me warm and fuzzy.... (Some things a love that boys do)

• backward hugs... when they come from behind and squeeze you tight.
• kiss you on the forehead/cheeck
• gaze into your eyes and smile
• tell you your gorgeous, stunning, hot, sexy...
• dance with you
• hold your hand in public
• corner you... and kiss you
• breathe you in really deeply (I don't know how else to explain it)
• play with your hair
• sing to you
• dry your tears
• interlock fingers with you... then look up into your eyes and smile
• pull you into a hug
• grab your waist and turn you towards them
• understand you for who you are. And not care that your a "diva"
• Tell you they care

*GROAN* UG... I'M JUST MAKING MYSELF ANNOYED.

I TEST BOYS... until they FAIL

Can I just say I hate boys! Really... they are so frustrating and stupid. And.... UGGGGG!

So the boy who I've been complaining about.... ohhhhhh MY FRUSTRATION HAS REACHED A BREAKING POINT. But I have to be all cool... calm and collect. It sucks!

But the problem is I'm the one who messed everything up!! Why because I freak out... and over analyze everything. And now he thinks I"m a stocker! Which I'm not... if I wanted to stock him... oh I totally could. But I won't! All right? You know why? Because I'm NOT a stocker! Sheesh... My insides are screaming.... I'm so annoyed right now.

AND I HAVE A CLASS WITH HIM... THREE TIMES A WEEK. FOR THE REST OF THIS SEMESTER! OH... self woe self woe.... woest me..... *Groan*

I go to class and I must admit. I think it was a pretty fabulous outfit. Black short skirt... boots... and a fabulous scarf. I caught him looking a couple of times. Whether if is was to see if I was looking I don't know. (Or maybe he was thinking to himself how ugly I was and wondering why he dated me. It was probably a bet. Suck!) So then I talk to his friend and he tries to be all cool and act like he doesn't notice me. IDIOT! So then I try to be nice and I walk by and tap him on the shoulder... and ask him something. Which he is listen to music so he just IGNORES ME , smiles and then goes back to homework. I could have strangled him right there. Why can't people at least act decent? I am trying. Okay I'll admit because I was so mad... after I tried to hard to show him that I liked him but he took it wrong! So I can see.... Great, he just thinks of me as a stocker. Sigh* I hate that I was the one who messed it up.

However I realize that I'm the one who intentionally screws things up. I realize that I'm the one who backs away. Or I do something. I think... this is to good... something must be wrong. So do you know what I do. I act out. I do things that I know will upset a boy. I TEST THEM. I check to see how much they really like me. And I keep testing them... until they FAIL....

Why you ask? Honestly I don't know. I just can't comprehend the idea that a boy might actually like me.... Also the screwed up relationships around me... don't help. I don't even want to get married. I just want a relationship where I can have fun and have someone there for me. To hold me.... That kind of stuff. However I get easily attatched and I don't want to get my heart broken so I pull away (and get partly hurt but at least not fully) before I can get too attached.

So why do boys bug me so? Why do I get so frustrated when I'm the one who usually causes the problems? Why am I currently annoyed at this boy? Because my self esteem is shot... it just shows that they didn't like me... (When they might have actually liked me.) However I think they don't. Perhaps they wanted a NCMO.... Or perhaps they wanted to just see how far they could get...

I had a boy when I was a junior in highschool who made a bet that he could get me to kiss him before he graduated (he was a senior). He was trying to keep it on the downlow but I'm pretty good at sensing peoples vibes. SO I figured it out. And he LOST!

Usually I think a boy just wants something. Because it can't be that they actually like me.... Perhaps my logic is wrong like everyone suggests... but I'm not certain.

I just need to find a new boy. Why so I can just push them away? Probably....

true school spirt unless you kiss someone=FALSE

I've never been much of a blogger but I find as I sit here.... I don't want to do homework so I decided to waste a few min before I put my nose back to the grind.

My test that was suppose to occur today... was postponed until Thursday. Talk about yuck. I've been stressing and now I have a few more days to stress. However because I procrastinated... it is a good thing to have a little bit more time. I'm just feeling very spread... like peanut butter (it's all about the thin layers).

I have this stupid boy that I still keep thinking about which I think is why I've been blogging so much. ...I think. I've decided I'm trying to distract myself... and failing miserably. *groan* I still want to text him. You know I've always wanted to run up to a boy and kiss him.... I wonder what he would do. UG! STOP!

(mental note: I just about addressed myself and wrote my real name.... Oops. That would have been stupid.)

However on that note. I wonder what a boy would do if a girl ran up to him and kissed him... and then just sauntered off.... Interesting concept. I would probably smack a boy. But then I think... what if he was really attractive? Would I still not let him? lol.... I don't know. (Man... that's a shallow thought) But this is suggesting that I don't know anything about the guy... so of course I would have to base everything off of his looks.... Since that would be the only thing taht I would know.

Really I wouldn't let a random stranger kiss me even if I was attracted to him... so I guess I'll never actually randomly kiss someone. See I dont' do any of these "True (Aggie /Badger/ T-Bird/Wolverine/Cougars)Mascot nights".

(note: I am wondering currently if now trying to determine where I go to school. Good luck if you are! *grin* However currently no one is reading this... so it's just an outlit of all my emotions and random thoughts)

Who really is to say you can't have true school spirt unless you kiss someone under a object or near a object...?

Bascially this tradition was started because people want action. It's an excuse to makeout with someone.... Ridiculous. The worst thing is this boy that I like... if he asked me... I'd probably do it. LAME! I'm totally against these things.... Or am I?

Then I start to think. Do I really like this boy as much as I do... or do I think I like him more because I feel we have this connection now that I have kissed (okay I'll be honest "made-out" with) him. (yes... a couple of times.... and I miss it... and miss him. SUCK SUCK SUCK) I just need to get over him.

There are a few more eggs now in my basket (dating prospects). Some of them have potential.

• One is actually a teacher currently... I think he's probably 26. Strange how I usually go after the older men.
• Two are friends with my brother but I'm not that attracted to them. I know... how lame.
• One really likes me. I went on a few dates with him during the summer. However I found out that I don't like him.... I've been trying to give him the run around. I hate the run around... but yet I do it to people. How lame!
• One boy loves me... and wants to marry me. Sometimes I forget to include him because the basic concept of marriage freaks me out. He's wanted to be serious since I met him a year ago. Then he went and did his military thing... and now things are crazy complicated. We are supposed "friends" but I know he loves me. Love... ug.... what a strong word. I kept telling him he didn't.... I don't know now. But that is how he explains it... and now he doesn't say anything much. But I can tell.... I never thought of myself as a heart breaker but I guess it's true. Everyone breaks at least one heart in their life....

(mental note: Never tell people what they are feeling... they get quite upset)

• Actually I think I might have a prospect by me right now in the library... I think I'll have to turn my flirt on. I've been a little distracted and plugged in... jamming out to music but he keeps looking over the cubby thing at me.... I've pretended not to notice.

"practice of rinsing your hands (just H2O) = not acceptable"

Oh man I don't know what it is but recently I can't concentrate when I do homework for long periods of time. I'm to distracted with the stupid stuff. Why can't I get my mind off of boys?

Currently I am studying for a test to which... I don't even want to do. I find the professor not credible what so ever. Besides persuasion should be about applying the factors. To be effective in something you must practice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sigh*

I have an experiment that I am actually exctied for in the class. I have to convince some one of something with out telling them out right. I was thinking about applying it boys. If some how I could convince a boy to like me. Or that I was fabulous. Wouldn't that be wonderful? lol.

Also I went to the restroom a few moments ago. How hard is it to wash your hands with soap??? This practice of rinsing your hands with water (and just that) is not acceptable! Use soap! One of the factors as to why everyone gets sick is because of the lack of individuals washing their hands. I had a roommate from Tiawan. Did you know that the majority of Asian culture don't believe soap is necessary? Anyway it took me forever to convince her to USE soap when washing the dishes. I finally got that... but she still didn't use soap when washing her hands probably 85% of the time.

Okay... I must get back to studying! I use earplugs when I study it helps me focus... because the noises around are too distracting. I get really annoyed when people talk in libraries but... guess what? I'm one of the loud people. I'm my own worst enemy!

They always say people biggest pet peeves are those that they carry themselves.... Guess it's true.

(Note: I sat by two empty seats... thinking I'd have a good chance for a boy to sit by me. Nope... two girls... brilliant....)

Facebook: Flat out ridiculous!

(I was reading a post from the mormonbachelorpad [haven't quite decided how I feel about their blog. I'm glad they are giving the opportunity to actually see inside a boys mind with out any editing] and I posted something on their wall. I started thinking about it more and so I had to acutally put the post as one of my blogs....)

It’s ridiculous I tell you! Flat out ridiculous!

Now everyone is demanding (yes they are demanding) to be everyone’s friend on facebook. I love my mother to death but adding her on facebook was a little frustrating. Now I have to watch what I say. I think to myself… I don’t want to upset my mother so instead of putting “THE WORLD IS FALLING TO PIECES AND I WANT TO CURL IN A BALL AND FALL ASLEEP” I put this “Man… it was a long day. Can’t wait for tomorrow J ) Sometimes I don’t want to be positive! I want to be annoyed. Plus… now I can’t flirt… because then my mom can read my convos… (I doubt she would). But still the posiblility erks me in a sense…. I’m not sure why. Because I love my mother to death and she’s my best friend. But somethings… I have to shelter her from….

And on top of adding parents… you have to add Aunts, Uncles, high school Nemeses…. I’m telling you it’s getting ridiculous!

Even people I don’t know… who are in my classes…. What is up with that? I think to myself…. I don’t even know you????? Why do you want to be friends on facebook? To check out my photos??? What else could they possibly want? If your interested in me ask me out on a date!!

Are You Really a Good Kisser?

Question:

If a boy says that your a good kisser does he mean it or does he just want action?

I figure he could just want action unless he mentions it a couple of times... I figure if he mentions it every time you kiss... plus... then... your set. I could be wrong though.

But what about things like this:
"I could kiss you for hours"
"Don't kiss me like that... or I can't stop."

Does this mean that he just want you to get excited so he can make out with you more?


...No one will ever know. So what if your really a bad kisser? How would you even know?

SO THERE'S THIS BOY

So There's This Boy
This boy is driving me insane. The question all relys on this... "Did he actually like me?" First you might suggest things like well did he spend time with you? Did he initiate?

Well let me answer you this... YES. But you know what... I'm still not sure if he liked me or it was all a scam. A scam to make out with me.... I'm so confused. I can't decided if he... (okay I'll call him "George")

a)Actually liked me (which I'm doubting because he wasn't tried to win me back... and ignored me at the last dance... I"ll go into that a bit later)

b) He just changed his mind. Meaning he liked me and then decided he didn't and couldn't handle telling it to my face. JUST SAY HOW YOU FEEL. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE GIRL... give her the "I'm so glad were such good friends... and I don't want to jeopardize our friendship." Give her any kind of crap or bull so that she can know for sure.... that you don't want to date her anymore.

c) He likes me but thinks I'm way too
-Moody
-Jealous/attached
-Doesn't want to hurt me because he's leaving next semester.... (w/e I told him yes... he should trust me. I don't care this wasn't his reasoning any way.)


d) Just wanted to make out with someone and then I made it get "too complicated." He wanted to make out with me and still have the possibility of making out with other girls.

Here is the problem:



a) He asked me if I want to be serious/exclusive with him? When I asked what that meant that he said he didn't want to scare me... he knew I was new and I was just starting dating people here
-Point taken... I told him I'd have to think about it. Stupid! obviously I liked him and wanted to but I was afraid... So he probably thought I didn't like him enough because I had to "think about it." Man do I SUCK.

b) Then decided after I asked him. "What are we?" three days after I told him yes (to which I thought was being officially boyfriend and girlfriend). He says we went to fast.
-I say being exclusive with out being serious is pointless. Basically this is a boy's way of getting around the stuff like being there for the person when they need. Hanging out basically all of the time.... Because that part is the relationship and most boys don't want that. So they can mess around but not be serious. And then drop the girl if something better comes along, which I guess happened. Suck suck suck.

c) We watch a movie and he isn't showing any affection what so ever.
-Now I realize he might not have wanted to give me any mixed signals. But hello you don't have to be with a girl to cuddle or at LEAST lean in to her.

d) I'm pissed and tell him he can't walk me to the door. Then after he gives me a look I say he can but it doesn't matter either way.

e) We get to my door and I realize I was over reacting because of all the crap. I give him a hug and he asks if he can call later which he doesn't end up doing. Lame. I honestly don't get it. If you don't want to do something.... don't say so. Ug... I realize now I do that to boys I don't like. He doesn't try to contact me.

f) I miss class that Monday because my mother comes into town. then he doesn't text me about what I missed in class. Is that honestly so hard. can you not even be a friend??? And tell someone what they missed in class. Is it soooooooooooo terribly hard to understand I don't like to feel like people feel awkward around me and I want to be friends?? At the very least.

-I'm starting to realize I'm crazy. Yes I take everything too personal. I constantly think I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough.... And I always think a boy is lying if he tells me I'm pretty, beautiful or gorgeous.

g) I go to class, which I have with him and I've become pissed again. then I realize it and struggle to be nice. So that we can at least be friends.
-I really wanted to have a conversation where I told him my side of the story. And
tried to figure out what was going on in his brain. *groan*

h) So then I made the big mistake. I OVER DID IT. I texted him too much... and as a result I think I freaked him out.

i) I saw him at a dance. I was with a group of girls. He walked up to this girl (who likes him. She made up crap about him... so I wouldn't like him as much. I was starting to wonder if she told him crap about me as well) Anyway I was with this girl and he walked up to her and talked to her. He saw me... and moved away. I SWEAR IT WAS BECAUSE OF ME. I then tried playing it cool and dance over where he was a little later with his group and my roommate (who flirts with him. Grr....!) He wasn't paying attention and maybe he didn't hear me... but I seriously doubt it. So then I played like I didn't care. I tried not to. Anyway. So then I dance for awhile left and came back to dance and he danced with her!!!!!!!!!!!

-I don't know if he likes her or was trying to prove to me that he didn't like me. Or just wanted to dance.... I DON'T KNOW. I HATE BOYS!

j) Anyway I left the dance after pretending for awhile that it didn't bug me. Suck suck suck. I went home and cried. Honestly it just pisses me off. WHY DON'T GUYS LIKE ME?

I'm honestly feeling better now. It basically just comes down to low self esteem. It just proves to me that I'm not good enough.....

That I'm some green monster.... Which I'll admit I am.

Anyway now I have to move on. It just sucks that I screwed everything up. I just want to have fun. And at the moment he was the only one I was actually interested in. *sigh* Oh well. I must move on.

Since then I've been on a few dates. So far no real winners or boys I'm really intersted in.

Other Boys
And this boy... i don't know if he is gay. He came to my movie night thing and left before the movie started. I'm starting to wonder if he is a spy for the guy I use to like. "George". but I doubt it. That's just my hopes... I just wished he still liked me. So my mind is making up excuses. However I really wonder if this boy is gay. I don't know you know sometimes how guys seem too well groomed... and v-necks... i don't know how I feel about really really low v-necks. Makes me feel like they are tyring too hard..... Maybe it's just me.

This other boy is crazy. I don't get him. he got mad at me for not kissing him. And so over teh summer he got mad. We went on a date... and I don't know how to take it He makes nooooo sense.

(Side note: I just lost my phone. Gr... I hate when that happens)

I gave a boy my number who was at the library. I find Africa American boys so attractive. Also I love how it seems that all African America's are more flirty.... I like this. I also like how that cat call. It makes me feel good.

When ever someone says sexy or something like that. I feel good. I think it's because people use the other words too much so I don't take them seriously. I personally like sexy, hot... but I love love when guys say gorgeous, stunning or breathtaking. But it depends sometimes I still don't believe it. I'm usually thinking they just want to make out or something.

Don't you hate admitting that you are part of the problem?

Here I am sitting. Wasting my time wallowing in self pitty.... Why because of a stupid boy. A stupid lame boy who I shouldn't like anymore! However, no matter how much I try to convince myself that I shouldn't waste my time wishing he rush to me, pull me in and give me a kiss in front of all to see.... It's not going to happen. Why? Because he is stupid. And the worst thing I'm realizing is I'm stupid to.

It's not just the basic I'm stupid for falling for something stupid. No, it's a full blown on... I suck. I messed up. Don't you hate admitting that you are part of the problem? Sometimes I just wish it would all disapear. That I could go back and time and say "Hey, let's not over analize this one." That I could tell myself... "You know what... not such a good idea."

First Blog

I honestly I'm just wasting time... when I should be getting a lesson prepared.... So I will do that now. And reward myself and blog later. I have a second blog. But I've decided I want a place where I can maintain complete anonymity.