I TEST BOYS... until they FAIL

Can I just say I hate boys! Really... they are so frustrating and stupid. And.... UGGGGG!

So the boy who I've been complaining about.... ohhhhhh MY FRUSTRATION HAS REACHED A BREAKING POINT. But I have to be all cool... calm and collect. It sucks!

But the problem is I'm the one who messed everything up!! Why because I freak out... and over analyze everything. And now he thinks I"m a stocker! Which I'm not... if I wanted to stock him... oh I totally could. But I won't! All right? You know why? Because I'm NOT a stocker! Sheesh... My insides are screaming.... I'm so annoyed right now.

AND I HAVE A CLASS WITH HIM... THREE TIMES A WEEK. FOR THE REST OF THIS SEMESTER! OH... self woe self woe.... woest me..... *Groan*

I go to class and I must admit. I think it was a pretty fabulous outfit. Black short skirt... boots... and a fabulous scarf. I caught him looking a couple of times. Whether if is was to see if I was looking I don't know. (Or maybe he was thinking to himself how ugly I was and wondering why he dated me. It was probably a bet. Suck!) So then I talk to his friend and he tries to be all cool and act like he doesn't notice me. IDIOT! So then I try to be nice and I walk by and tap him on the shoulder... and ask him something. Which he is listen to music so he just IGNORES ME , smiles and then goes back to homework. I could have strangled him right there. Why can't people at least act decent? I am trying. Okay I'll admit because I was so mad... after I tried to hard to show him that I liked him but he took it wrong! So I can see.... Great, he just thinks of me as a stocker. Sigh* I hate that I was the one who messed it up.

However I realize that I'm the one who intentionally screws things up. I realize that I'm the one who backs away. Or I do something. I think... this is to good... something must be wrong. So do you know what I do. I act out. I do things that I know will upset a boy. I TEST THEM. I check to see how much they really like me. And I keep testing them... until they FAIL....

Why you ask? Honestly I don't know. I just can't comprehend the idea that a boy might actually like me.... Also the screwed up relationships around me... don't help. I don't even want to get married. I just want a relationship where I can have fun and have someone there for me. To hold me.... That kind of stuff. However I get easily attatched and I don't want to get my heart broken so I pull away (and get partly hurt but at least not fully) before I can get too attached.

So why do boys bug me so? Why do I get so frustrated when I'm the one who usually causes the problems? Why am I currently annoyed at this boy? Because my self esteem is shot... it just shows that they didn't like me... (When they might have actually liked me.) However I think they don't. Perhaps they wanted a NCMO.... Or perhaps they wanted to just see how far they could get...

I had a boy when I was a junior in highschool who made a bet that he could get me to kiss him before he graduated (he was a senior). He was trying to keep it on the downlow but I'm pretty good at sensing peoples vibes. SO I figured it out. And he LOST!

Usually I think a boy just wants something. Because it can't be that they actually like me.... Perhaps my logic is wrong like everyone suggests... but I'm not certain.

I just need to find a new boy. Why so I can just push them away? Probably....