Mission Completed.. Another Underway

Ah... sigh of relief. *exhail* Few... I am so glad that I don't have to worry about that stupid test. The professor let us to use our computers. So that was good I was able to type it up pretty fast, but I was still the last one out of the room. *grin* I'm such a nerd.

I'm so stressed about one of my classes I got an assignment back and I think I got a B- or maybe even a C... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I'm freaking out major! I have so much to do and so little time. *groan* Plus I am trying to get more involved in school so in the process I'm not doing what I'm suppose to be doing.

Also I think I've decided that I need to talk to that boy... I can't seem to get over it. It's boiling inside of me festering like a wound. Why? I don't know... guess I really like him. I'm just afraid that when I tell him he'll walk away or something. Or laugh... or ..... He is a nice guy though I'm sure it won't be as bad as I think. I'm sure he won't proclaim to the whole world that I'm a stocker... at least I hope not. If so... I'll be definately screwed. Groan* But I must do it. I've become such a blunt person it is driving me crazy that he doesn't even talk to me. So I have a variety of choices that I can do.

1. Text him... but I won't do that. That would be stupid since we aren't really talking... he'll just ignore my text.
2. Call him. Ask him to go for a walk and if he won't then explain on the phone. The problem is then I won't be able to read his nonverbals... and what if he hangs up on me? Groan* Crazy stocker.... what if he ignores my call? I can't leave a message. "Hey it's me Zabes... um... alkdjfklajdflkadjflkajd" Yeah I don't think telling my emotions to a machine would do very well. (Yet, telling and venting my emotions on a computer works... so maybe.)
3. I can wait till class tomorrow... however he misses class quite a bit. What if he doesn't go? Ug!!!
4. I can hope that I run into him this evening... highly unlikely. Our paths only cross when we make them. And now I swear he really is trying to go out of his way so he doens't have to see me. But why? is he ignoring mebecause he thinks I'm a crazy stocker? Does he think he's making it easier on me? Sigh* I don't know....

(If any one is reading this.... What should I do? What should I say?)

So I'm stuck with calling him or waiting till I see him next. He's leaving soon so maybe I should just forget it. The problem with me is I don't just forget things.... It annoys me and bugs me until I do everything I can to fix it. But what if I can't? Or what if by trying to fix it I only make it worst? Ug.... I don't know what to do.

I just want to be friends... I don't want it to be akward. I've basically come to the conclusion that he doesn't like me. Or else he would have done something on his end... a long long time ago. So I just am doing this to get it off my chest. Is that stupid? Why do I want to cause myself more pain just to be reject.

It doesn't matter that I still really like him... I just have to more on because apparently he doesn't like me. So why do I care? Cause I'm a stupid girl! That's why!

Maybe I should just pretend I'm telling him and write it out... and then I won't ever have to say it....

-Hey I'm sorry I was so awkward last week... if your interested give me a call. (One suggestion... the problem is it's been so long and he's acting wierd so it needs a little more)

-Hey look I'm really sorry what happend awhile back. I guess I just get a little crazy when I like a guy and I told you there were a lot of things going on... anyway I apologize and I really dont' want things to be awkward and maybe I'm reading in to this wrong... but I feel like the plague ... and if you really want me to leave you alone then I will. I just wanted us to be friends at least. Anyway... I'm sorry... see you in class

-Grab him and kiss him! (ha ha... wouldn't do that. Although I might want to. I dont' think it would work in my favor. And it could only be done if we were alone...)

-Look I'm sure you think I'm a total spaz but I just really need to tell you something. That ok? So just don't say anything... and listen.

I'm sorry that I've probably confused the crap out of you. I just have a tendency to bottle all of my emotions and then explode. And I have really low selfsesteem when it comes to boys... so I just felt really hurt and used when you said you didn't want to be serious any more. I just felt like I had done something or that you had decided you didn't want to date me any more but where too chicken to tell it to my face.... So when you said let's date... I heard... I don't like you and I don't want to date you anymore.

So anyway I don't know really what you were thinking but... I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I'm sorry that's it's been awkward. But I've really been trying. I like you, but I understand you don't like me and it's okay.... I mean of course it sucks because it's just another factor that I'm not good enough.... That something is wrong with me. I just want us to at least be friends? I'm sorry if you thought that I was pushing you to hard I just realized that I was over reacting like usual. So tried to fix things with out talking to you. So I think you read that like I was coming off to strong. I just have a tendency to try to be 100%.... And So I was trying to be friends and so I'm sure it came off too strong.

I just don't want things to be awkward. I don't want you to think of me as the plague. ... and if you want me to leave you alone I will but I want you to know I'll always think of you as a friend... Anyway I'm really sorry. I'll see you in class....

Hmm... maybe I won't have to tell him now...