A Spritz of perfume... just WASN'T enough.... "Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."

"It's not you, it's me...." "You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."
"Alright, George, it's you."
"You're darn (edited) right it's me."
"Look, I was just trying to...."
"I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."
"Well I'm sure you do it very well."
"Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out."

- George and Gwen, breaking up, in "The Lip Reader"
....

He says (summary): I LIKE YOU... I JUST CAN'T DATE YOU (WHAT THE HECK?!) Stupid boys!!!!!

So "this Boy" that I have been talking about. The one I really like... and all of that.... Well I finally made my last attempt and now... life sucks! Actually not, but it still sucks! It hurts that he doesn't like me but considering everything, life isn't so bad.

So here is the story...

So today I decided to text "This Boy". Stupid plan. So I decide I want to talk to him... so I want to see if he actually likes me. Right? I want to see why he hasn't done anything? If he thinks... well anyway so I text him.

Me: Yay! Finally got to walmart! Ha ha. Lol. Thought i'd just share my joy!
Boy:Hah glad to hear you made it to wally world finally :)
Me:I know. Now i have food! Hooray:)

Then I decide I just can't handle it. Why can't people just say if they like someone. Why can't they just take the risk? So I decide to take the scariest plunge of it all.... I text him to go for a walk thinking I'll bring it up.

Me:Hey homework is driving me a crazy. I'm planning on going for a walk to take a break around ten or so. You interested?
Boy: Ya studying is killing me too! a wall sounds good for my sanity. I'll be there a little after 10 is that cool?

At this point I figured he wasn't going to text me so I was giving up. So I read it and I freaked out because I was like... CRAP I need to quick get ready. So I quickly fixed myself so I was a little bit better. You know spritz of perfume and such....

Me:Yeah just wait i bit i just back back from the elc i want to eat something real fast. (yes I'm aware I made a few mistakes...)
Boy: Okay cool i'll be tere in a bit


So he arrives and walks up to my door to get me. So we head for a walk and I act all cool. I decide I'm not going to even mention it. I'm just going to simply just be awesome and friendly... and act like we are just two friends going for a walk. Right? I must say I have pretty good acting skills just sometimes my emotions get the better of me... i get really weepy the week before my period. (yup... I just said it... my menstrual cycle)

He says he wants to walk main instead of campus. Is that okay?
Is that okay? What does he not want a girl to see us together? Stupid boy!
Sure that's okay.....
So we go for a walk... talking like good ol' pals.... Laughing, teasing. He does a couple of touchy things. He's flirty with me but I can tell he is trying not to flirt too much. (When you can tell someone is really thinking about what they are doing. Maybe not... I just got the sense he was) I'm the one who is keeping up the conversation... He seems to not be able to think of anything to talk about.
Is that a sign? Does he want to talk to me about something? Does he like me...? Could it be possible?
We keep talking and walking. We go to a ball park... and I climb up the fence to get on top of the dug-out. then I decided that the fence is blocking the view so we climb on top of the other one. While we are heading to the second dug-out
He says, "Always an adventure with you."
I say what and he says it again. (He says it with this smile... like he missed being around me and he wishes he could date....)
Then date me you stupid idiot!
So then we get on top of the dug-out and we play around. I was talking earlier about giant piano (like in the movie "Big"). So we pretended to play the piano on the roof racks for awhile. Then we sat by each other... (well I sat down and then moved over to him) and then I layed down and then he layed down. So then I tried to point at Cassiopeia because that's what we use to do. Then he started getting closer... so i kind of got a little bit closer. Then I sat up because I was starting to freak out... cause I really really wanted to kiss him. And I was soooooooooo confused! So then I sit up and then he sits up so i kind of turn so our faces aren't right next to each other. So that... I don't just grab him and kiss him. Uggggggg! Anyway so then he leans in and starts to kind of smell me hair... so then I kind of lean in... And then he pulls away...

This isn't verbatim:

Him: I'm so attracted to you..... turns away.
So then kiss me! ....Do you like me?
So then he rambles on about how me likes me and think "I'm really pretty. Really really pretty." (or maybe he says attracted) But this girl who he really liked just got off of her mission
Seriously! This boy was waiting for a missionary!
So he rambles on.....
I then say don't worry about it. I knew he didn't like me.... I've been trying to be hard to just be friends. So then I say at some point that "Yeah it sucks cause I like you, but I want to be friends..."
Me: Seriously you don't have to sugar coat things... I'm tough... *grin*
Then he rambles on. That it isn't that he doesn't like me... Then he asks "Haven't you ever missed a chance to date someone.... and then..." Basically saying how he wants to see if anything could happen with this other girl.
Me: Well everyone has their own ice cream flavor..... (something like this... yes oober lame but I was trying not to show feelings or get upset... yes cry... is the word I was looking for)
So then he says. It isn't that. I really like you and I feel like I'm missing out on something by not dating you..
THEN WHY THE HECK DON'T YOU WANT TO DATE ME? SORRY BUT I'M CONFUSED.
So he rambles on a little bit about how it is just he wants to see and he really likes me. And sorry but this probably isn't helping the situation by telling me this.
I say... it's okay really he doesn't have to sugar coat things and that it's okay. There's a difference between liking someone... and really liking someone....
he says that's not it...
What ever if he liked me he would date me!!!!


At some point I say something like... really it's okay I'm not looking for anything serious I just want someone to have fun with and cuddle with and just have fun.
He says that he wishes we could... and that we could cuddle.

At another point I get emotional. Stupid me being a girl. I get annoyed that I'm crying so I kind of turn and apologize. And then he gets all close and apologizes. And kind of touches my leg. And I get up and stand cause i really just FREAKING LIKE HIM! And I'm getting upset because i knew deep down he didn't like me and I'm mad he's lying to me. So he asks me to sit... so I do.

So then he asks if I'm upset. And I tell him I'm not. That it's okay... that communication is good. That it's okay and everyone has there own ice cream flavor... and I wish him luck. bla blaaaaa....

then I apologize for being a boob (cry baby). And he says it's not a bad thing to be a boob.... and then laugh cause he isn't meaning what i mean. so then I tease that ... "well I don't have much" and then I tell him it's because we are such good friends we can tease about things like that.... And then he says but we probably shouldn't and I agree.

At one point before this I mentioned that it sucked because I liked him but I've been trying to be his friend.. and that it's okay to be a friends. That I'm okay....
Yup I've just been rejected and he's lying that he likes me. Because he doesn't like me or ELSE HE WOULD DATE ME. Stupid sugar coating, it pisses me off.

I can't remember what we brought up... (i said something like I wish people would just tell the truth like I don't like you... or you suck)but it was something where I mentioned that I wished people didn't sugar coat things but sometimes it's better to just sugar coat things... so you don't hurt the persons feelings. And he said that... that doesn't make it right. And I said but it's done...... And we kind of bantered back and forth. (I was trying to be playful but he was acting all serious. Makes me wonder if he really was lying or not..... I don't know)

Anyway! Stupid boy. Now we are "friends" oh joy. I mentioned that it's okay to be friends cause I'm use to it. He said something about how I shouldn't but I say that's the way it is. Anyway then he tells me how great he thinks I am and how fun and how pretty I am. Stupid boys! Like I've mentioned if he liked me... he would date me!

So then when we finally got back to my apartment he gives me a lingering hug. What is up with that? So then he says, "You sure you're ok?" And I say sure I am... (p.s. just for a note I said something about us being 'buds' and 'pals' a couple of times.) So then he gives me another lingering kind of hug and I really just want to kiss him. But I pull away and say well good luck with you and "name" "uh... name?" and then he corrects me.

Stupid boys! Some how I feel liberated though! The question is... why doesn't he like me? I"m not good enough. And why can't people just say I don't like YOU????? why not!!!!!!!!!!!



Me: Hey thanks again have a good night! :)
Boy:It was really good to look at stars and hang out with you again. thanks for helping me find casiopia ;)

Stupid boy what the heck does that mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY GIVE ME LINGERING HUGS IF HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. WHY TELL ME HE LIKES ME IF HE DOESN'T? WHY LIE! Stupid boys.

However I really I feeling quite good. I'm at the point of no return. I heard a good analogy from a song... about falling and finally reaching the ground and that it's good.

Well I hit the ground and I feel pretty good. I still feel like I'm not good enough but w/e I'll get over that..... At least I'm not heart broken. I'm okay with the situation. It just sucks being the friend.

I'm just too crazy and that's okay..... Sometimes it just sucks not being the one who is liked. Okay... so it always sucks but I'm use to it.